A Hope and a Future

Amazed...completely.

2011-07-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

Again, I am embarrassed and apologize to any of you who continue to check in on our family. The lack of blog action doesn't reflect the activity level of our family, that's for sure!! We have been having a blast this summer...lots of baseball, soccer, running, swimming, pitchers upon pitchers of iced tea and lemonade! Along with the carefreeness of summer, we have been carrying quite a burden concerning Gracie's health and upcoming surgery.

If you have been here awhile you know the severity of Gracie's heart condition. Well, we are at the crossing point right now as we near what has been given us an estimated life expectancy for our sweet little girl. That is...without a procedure called the Fontan. In March of 2010, Gracie was scheduled for an extremely high risk procedure. At her pre-op appointments the day before the scheduled surgery, I was told it would not be done. We were devastated. All along, this was the procedure to give her some years--who knows what could happen if Gracie were given several years? Even 15? What advances would be made in that time? Instead, we went home knowing that the Mayo Clinic was reconsidering the plan for Gracie's life--a short term, rather than a long-term plan. Crushed.

Again, last winter, as Gracie became bluer and bluer and her activity level decreased, the Fontan was talked about. Again in March, we received the news that it was too high risk. Instead she was to have a shunt replaced, which would eventually wear out her one ventricle and she would have a short life.

With every procedure, every surgery, we have had peace. Even with the poor odds, even with the seriousness of the situation, we have had peace that she was right where she should be, we were putting one foot in front of the other, all the while praying for God to give us wisdom and to just follow His lead. This time...we have had no peace. I'm a searcher, a researcher when it comes to my children. I have spent hundreds of hours reading medical journals that way beyond my grasp--I'm really not that smart! Yet, I'm learning all I can about statistics, surgeries, treatments. Curtis, who is much, much more intelligent than I am doesn't work that way. He is so logical, yet the news is always so devastating that he has shared with me that his answer is not in journals, statistics, and all of that, but rather in prayer and Scripture. Perhaps it's because I happen to be the one who is at the hospital with Gracie, brings her to appointments, meets the other families who have sick kids. He is DAD. We cope in different ways, I guess. I think it makes us a great team!! Regardless, we have had no peace about this upcoming surgery.

Michigan. We have had no ties to Michigan whatsoever. I knew about Boston and CHOP--awesome heart facilities for children, but Michigan? In the past couple of months, several people had asked me "Have you thought of Michigan?", "I know__________, who was treated for a serious heart condition at Michigan", my mom sent me a newspaper article about a little girl with heterotaxy who was doing well after a few surgeries in Michigan. I began to look up University of Michigan and CSMott--ranked #3 in the US for pediatric hearts, specializing in Hypoplastic right and left hearts--Gracie has that with her heterotaxy. We prayed. The answer--Michigan. When we went for Gracie's cardiology appointment in June, I asked her cardiologist to send Gracie's records to Michigan. He did. He also told me that likely the answer would be the same.

Today I grabbed the mail as soon as we arrived home from a fun weekend of soccer. A letter from Michigan and it was small and skinny. That is never good news, is it? At first I opened it up and really couldn't understand what I was reading. Then..."Quite honestly, from my review of the data, I would not feel that a Fontan procedure would carry an unusually high risk." and "I would think a fenestrated Fontan would be a better choice." Woohoo!!

So what does this mean? First of all, we really want to keep Gracie at Mayo--perhaps the doctors will reconsider and perform the Fontan procedure. If not, we will schedule an appointment as soon as possible in Ann Arbor, Michigan. If Gracie's insurance isn't accepted at UofM, we will need to find somewhere that she can have this surgery that could perhaps give her a much longer life.

God speaks. He speaks mainly through His Word, but He also speaks into our hearts where we are to turn next. As stressful as these past months have been for us, He has given us this comfort that we just follow His lead. Sometimes, I believe, he places people and circumstances right into our paths--sometimes we call this coincidence. I believe they are God incidents instead. Divine appointment, so to speak. We rejoice with this awesome news today, not only the words from this letter that are so positive and hopeful, but mostly we rejoice that He continues to provide a way, He continues to lead me and guide me, He continues to reign here on earth and give doctors wisdom and children hope.

I'm amazed, simply amazed!

Gayle

ups and downs--the rollercoaster continues

2011-04-11T12:18:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking we need to come up with a name for this roller-coaster we have been on for the past 41/2 years--any ideas??

It's been awhile since I've written because, to be perfectly honest, I'm at a point in which I'm not sure what is important to share and also if I even understand fully what is going on.

I'll start with Gracie. She had a pretty tough recovery after that whole tooth episode--wowzer, that was a rough one for her! All winter long she was sick with something it seemed. She had lots of colds and flu bugs--only one hospitalization, but sort of scary nonetheless. She has started developing some pretty major headaches. With these headaches, she shows stroke-like symptoms. The first one happened clear back in September, then another one in December, which put her in the hospital, then she had one a few weeks ago. She has been seeing a fabulous neurologist at the Mayo Clinic who has been trying to figure out what exactly this is all about. She has these symptoms, then all of a sudden, she's fine. Completely fine. In December they did a pretty detailed MRI which lasted several hours. At the time, they told me she had little spots on her brains--one doc even called them tiny tumors. They were located in the very center of her brain, which amazingly isn't all that useful. They deemed the cause her stay on ECMO. The neurologist explained to me that very few children had survived a 10 day stay on ECMO until the past 10 years or so. They are finding these spots on the brains of nearly all of the children who have an MRI. Gracie is quite blessed! Many children have these "spots" in areas of the brain which have a lot more function and also have much larger "spots". The neurologist is completely amazed at Gracie's abilities, her sense of humor, her awareness, her speech, her creativity--the whole package. They also saw a larger "spot" on her brain, which they called a "silent stroke". Perhaps she had a slight stroke with one of these headaches, maybe it was even before she was getting the headaches--who knows? She really has no repercussions other than a lack of reflexes in one of her feet. Not a big deal at all--she, nor anyone else, would ever even notice. She continues to be at "high-risk" for a stroke.

Gracie's blood counts have been pretty stable, although we have noticed throughout the winter a definite decrease in her energy. She can barely make it to the top of the steps before she lies down or asks to be carried. She turns very blue with every activity. God made the body so fantastically, however, because it tells her to stop. She spends a lot of time coloring, drawing, watching TV, playing video games--to a teen PERFECT! She, however likes to run and jump and play--her body only will let her do those things for a very short time. She had a cardiology appointment a month ago and the doctors are figuring out a surgical plan for her. It appears she has two options--one very high risk with a possibility of a longer life, the other very low risk with the reality that her ventricle will shut down in a few years and her options will be run out. The doctors mentioned a surgery date in June, but we are hoping to wait until September--it looks like it won't really make much difference. Right now, it is out of our hands. Gracie has beat many odds and we know that we know that we know her days are numbered as are ours. God will take her home when her purpose has been fulfilled--that's just how He works. We are hoping and praying that time is a long time away although we know His plan is perfect and paradise awaits her. It's simply not our call. That is so freeing to us as we are in positions of making life or death decisions. The Prince of Peace has this all figured out--we are just putting one foot in front of the other and enjoying each day we have with her and our other kids.

Gracie's personality is fantastic!! She is so stinkin' funny. All. The. Time. Some of the stuff she comes up with just blows our minds, so very creative. And super cute, and squeezable, and the life of the party! I truly can't imagine this world without her...I simply cannot picture it. I'm so glad God worked it out so we just experience the here and now. We don't need to know what lies ahead--just the choices we are making today...today I choose LOVE.

How's that for a segway into Selah's life? Selah had been having a pretty decent winter until the past couple of weeks. Once again, we are seeing some pretty disturbing behaviors with her--it's as if she completely shuts down in front of people, then goes off and destroys while she is alone. We cannot leave her alone for any period of time or we have a disaster on our hands. I just can't figure it out. What we are learning through all of this is our responses have to mirror Jesus's. We fail miserably most of the time, yet always grab perspective and move forward. We are at a "moving forward" time right now. Yesterday I asked her if she thought she was a good girl or a bad girl. She said, "bad girl", so we made a chart. Yep, I'm a "retired" teacher. We went through her days and found out she is bad just a few minutes each day, so really she's very good the rest of the day--this also fits into the time unit she's in at school by the way! It's just those bad minutes are REALLY BAD...I mean REALLY BAD. We also drew pictures of our family and how we all fit into it so well. The reason is we are attached because we love each other. She loves when we are on vacation, when she is eating ice cream, when the sun is out. Otherwise she only likes us a little bit. What a tough concept for a child to grasp when she spent the large majority of her life completely unloved! We can talk and talk and talk, but until she FEELS love, I'm afraid her responses are not going to change. So often, she likely doesn't feel love because of the consequences to her behaviors, even the reactions from us and our other kids. We are, once again, making a point to hug her more, to tell her she's beautiful more, to just play with her more. The behaviors cannot be overlooked because they are not even safe, so we do have to deal with these. I have read so much, studied so much--I know what to do, yet it's so hard to always be kind and loving to a child who is constantly destroying. Our responses are always a choice. We can choose to be kind and loving or we can choose to just coexist. Sometimes I need to step away for a bit and gain a little perspective. I hate it that my mood STILL affects my responses. Less and less, but it still does!

We had a terrific vacation to Florida over spring break. We did a LOT of sitting by the pool and just relaxing with our family. We did venture out to Universal Studios a few times late afternoon and evenings, which was also fabulous. I'm not sure why we still live in the frozen tundra--perhaps it's because I would get nothing done if I lived in a nice climate. It's 58 degrees out now and I'm sitting outside with my laptop--I cannot let a nice day be wasted inside. And yes, Floridians...58 degrees is a nice day for Iowa in April!!

Thanks for checking in!!

Love,

Gayle

much better

2011-02-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

Gracie is doing SO MUCH BETTER!! Thanks for praying for her! I did use some bribery to get her to eat yesterday--she was so afraid of putting anything in her mouth and just wouldn't open it! I told her we will go and pick out a toy if she just tried something. I walked into the kitchen with her on the floor with the turkey, cheese, and bread spread out so she could put together a sandwich...yeah, ON THE FLOOR! Anyways, she tried and finished it--she was so hungry! We then went out and purchased a fabulous new carseat for her babies and gorilla she has named Gracie. She then wanted to show her daddy that she could eat, so we met him for lunch and she ate, and ate, and ate.

By last night's basketball game, which was awesome by the way, she was showing everyone her new sparkly, princess smile--precious. Even people who really wouldn't care--they were included in the open mouth view right in their faces.

All this to say--Gracie is back, she's confident, happy, feeling good, and ready to take on the world!

Gayle

Quite a week!!

2011-02-04T07:12:00.000-08:00

First of all, thank you for praying for Gracie--she needs those prayers. This little girl has had so many surgeries, procedures, and tests and has really taken everything in stride. Until now. These teeth are making her so sad--she almost seems depressed. She keeps looking in the mirror and crying. She won't open her mouth or smile--she even told me that she just wants to be a little kid. I think she is starting to realize that she is different from other kids, asking why she has all of the scars and now silver or missing teeth--it breaks my heart.

We did get stranded in Iowa City--if you are from around here, you probably know how treacherous the roads were from Monday through Wednesday. My dear aunt Mari went to be with Jesus on Saturday and the funeral was on Thursday in South Dakota--everything inside of me wanted to be there...and I made it! Curtis stayed home with Gracie on Thursday and I made a super quick trip west.

Mari's life was too short in our eyes, but we know she is now with Jesus with no more cancer, no more suffering. It's just so hard to say "good-bye for now" to those we love. And my sweet cousins...how my heart aches for them. She did leave them with so much--she raised them with character, gave them countless memories, and a foundation that completely has prepared them for this world...and more importantly, the next.

Today, Gracie and I are finally hanging at home--we are having a Veggie-Tales marathon and hopefully baking cookies. I hope that will give her the gumption to eat something.

I do struggle with her being sad, with her having pain. This is just something that I have not witnessed in my other children as 4 year-olds. She just has to go through so much some days--it doesn't seem fair at all. She is so stinkin' sweet...my heart has been breaking for her this week. I know this had to be done for future heart procedures and surgeries--it's her only option. It just all seems so extreme--I realize they did EVERYTHING to protect her heart by crowning all her teeth--she has very little left to even present an infection or cavity...and she will get used to it--she will see herself as beautiful again--I know this. God created her perfectly...I tell her this at least 100 times each day...she also hears it from her daddy and brothers and sisters constantly. She will know too...soon.

This post is all over the place--I apologize--but this momma's emotions are all over the place too! Welcome to my world!

Have a terrific day--I'll post a picture when I can get a smile out of this little sweetie. You will see--Gracie is even more beautiful with shiny teeth!!

Gayle

her pearly whites

2011-02-01T10:10:00.000-08:00

Gracie is having quite the extensive dental surgery today. They are crowning and root canaling (probably not a word) all of her teeth right now. Her teeth carry a high risk of infection and needed to be taken care of before her heart can be operated on again. Since the Mayo Clinic does not have pediatric dentistry, we are at the University of Iowa Hospitals in Iowa City.

Gracie is quite the patient--she has everything figured out, tells the nurses exactly where she wants her blood pressure taken and which little finger should hold the pulse oxymeter. She did tell them they could do anything today, but give her pokes and if they do give her a poke, they are only allowed one! No tears, no crying, just complete sweetness--she is amazing!

Since they haven't worked with Gracie before, I did get to hear how involved her heart disease is. The anesthesiologist pulled up a chair and explained all of the risks--any time Gracie has anesthesia, it carries a significant risk. Today's surgery is expected to be quite long--the longer on anesthesia, the higher risk it carries. So...pray for Gracie, that her body can tolerate the meds, that she will have adequate oxygen throughout the procedure, and that her airways will not be blocked in any way. They will ventilate through the nose since they are working in her mouth--this will be new for her.

I am using a public computer, so I should let someone else on. I will update as I hear anything!

Thanks for praying for Gracie!!

Love,
Gayle

Two birthdays, Christmas, and a very happy New Year!!

2011-01-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

We woke up in the hospital on Gracie's 4th birthday to be told that we would be there for awhile. The tears flowed! I knew she didn't need to be there, but they were awaiting the results of her blood work. Gracie's amazing, kind, compassionate cardiologist stopped by for a visit--I asked him if we could go home. He answered with the three letter word I wanted to hear--"yes". After visiting with the doctor on the pediatric floor and throwing out his name a bit, we were released in time to make it home when the kids arrived from school. All of the Opps were thrilled...especially a newly turned 4 year-old!! The hospital so kindly celebrated Gracie's birthday with her in style--cupcakes, gifts, balloons--super, super sweet. The celebration when this little sweetheart was home however--A VERY BIG DEAL!! Gracie wanted to drive the little cars at the hospital so very badly, but was on strict isolation and couldn't leave her room. I called Curtis to get her a car for her birthday, thinking a little cozy coupe, he picked out a battery operated convertible--truly appropriate for a princess of this magnitude!!

Soon it was Christmas...

Gracie continues to battle whatever bug she has. She is still getting headaches and has quite a cough. Just not herself. The way this child lives her life is inspiring, that's for sure. At 4 years old, she can teach most of us a lot about life. She has been dealt a tough hand according to this world--lots and lots of pokes, she can't play outside, she can't play with other children this time of year, she tires easily and can't do normal things other children can do. Yet, she always has a smile on her face, she has a determination to live life well, enjoying everything. Her world is very, very small--yet she makes it so big!! I just wish everyone could know this little being--she's truly amazing!!

Our Christmas was fabulous--this past week of spending long, restful days with the ones I love most is time treasured. Many days, we haven't even gotten out of our pjs. I think Selah has worn her jammy pants from gramma every day since Christmas. They have been washed in between, but right back on her they go! A couple of days, she had them on over her other clothes!

2010 has been a terrific year for our family. Today I have been making a digital family photo book and have been taken down memory lane. Our Make-A-Wish trip, the cancelled surgery, a huge summer road trip, a graduation, a scary car accident, a hospital stay, , sending a child to college, some fun sporting events...yet what we treasure most are these quiet days at home with all seven of us curled around the fire watching movies, playing games, laughing about the latest antics of a particular 4 year-old--life is good! What is 2011 going to bring? How thankful I am that I don't even know!! Life is full of surprises, of twists and turns. It's not always how I would write my own story, I could never be this creative...but what an adventure God has given us. I rejoice in the fact that His story is the best one ever written and how thankful I am that I get to play a small part in it!

Resolutions? None. This family will just continue to seek out the Lord's plan for our lives and live accordingly!

Happy New Year, friends!!

Gayle

The last day of being 3!

2010-12-16T12:38:00.000-08:00

Gracie is out of her MRI and did very well with anesthesia. We have not heard the results yet--Curtis was just talking about the fabulous LIFE performance at church when one of the groups sang a song to Philipians 4:6-7--Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. I can't really say we are anxious--we quite obviously don't want Gracie to have any brain issues--her little body is already enduring so much. I don't believe that means we are anxious. We are actually having a nice time snuggling with our daughter today. Right now Curtis and Gracie are making pla-doh cookies, watching Cat in the Hat, and eating ice cream--doesn't sound so bad, does it? She is feeling much, much better--her fever is gone, she still has that rotten ole headache, and is walking, talking, and acting pretty normal. No matter what is going on in her brain, it doesn't seem to be affecting her motor skills or cognative abilities. Now anyways.

We should hear some results soon. They also tested her for RSV and influenza, and a variety of bacterial stuff. She, of course, has everyone wrapped around her finger! The doctors and nurses LOVE her...she's quite famous around this neck of the woods.

We did just get some visitors--our friend, Betty, from church is a couple of floors above us and is reported to be doing much better. Her husband, Dave, and Bill and Aimee, stopped in for a chat. It was so good to see some friends!

We will not be coming home today, but there is hope for tomorrow. We will await the results of the tests and if things look good, we could be on our way to celebrate Gracie's 4th birthday at home! Curtis and I realized she has either been in the hospital or just a day home for every birthday--what's up with that??

I will let you know when I hear anything and if there are any plans to follow! Thank you so much for praying for our family. We are blessed!

Love,
Gayle

back in the hospital

2010-12-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

I only have a couple of minutes, but want to share that Gracie has been admitted to the hospital in Rochester. She had an appointment with her rheumatologist yesterday afternoon--while there she spiked a fever and had a horrific headache. He sent us to the emergency room. After several hours of tests and various doctors, it was decided to keep her for observation and testing. The headaches are quiet concerning. In September, she had a headache that sent us to the ER as well. At that time, she was demonstrating some stroke-like symptoms. Her cardiologist referred us on to neurology, who decided to look into further if it happened again. Well, yesterday was the day! How God knew we needed to be at this facility!!

She really gave me a great scare yesterday--she was completely out of it for hours, many hours. Then she started vomiting blood. Why, oh why, does she need so many struggles?

She is having an MRI right now. Why doesn't it get any easier to watch your child be put to sleep? I hate that part of any surgery...big or small. I know she's in good hands, but to relinquish that control and leave the room is always tough. Don't they know I could help??

Concerns are this...stroke, meningitis, an infection, or an abcess. She has had headaches off and on for over a week--I probably should have brought her in earlier, but when nothing was done last time, I guess I just blew it off a bit.

Tomorrow is Gracie's 4th birthday--we are so hoping we can all be home! A terrific birthday present would be for this head "stuff" to just be nothing!

I better run...I'll try to update later!

Thanks for your prayers for sweet Gracie!

Gayle

a change of heart

2010-12-09T17:49:00.000-08:00

I've been learning lots about my heart...and how unlike Christ it actually is. The lessons I continue to learn through this gift God has given me called adoption completely blow my mind! A month ago I had a commitment to share my story with a group of adoptive parents, some already have their children home with them and some are in the midst of the process. Anyways, I was super excited about this...until the day arrived. As I spent four hours in the car driving to the location, God began to prepare my heart. I talked outloud with Him because I was alone (imagine that)...at times smiling, at times getting a little loud, but most of the drive I was talking through tears to the One who always listens, who always stays true to His promise--the One I adore, the One I seek, the One in whom I placed my trust and my life. I thought, in my own wisdom that I would talk about Ephesians 1...God adopting us into His family and the parallels that earthly adoption would align with. Don't get me wrong, there are some nice parallels--God chose me, we chose Selah. I was broken and in need of saving. Selah was broken and in need of saving. God loves me so much that He forgives my sinfulness and and sees the beauty, rather than the ugliness that so often is my mirrored image.

That's where the difference lies--right there! I thought I loved well. I loved my other children well--those that were born to me, sweet Gracie who came to me without sin...as a tiny infant, helpless and not tainted by the world. But Selah...I love Selah...when she conforms to my desires, when her behaviors are appropriate and kind, when I am feeling patient and kindhearted, when I get enough sleep. Seriously? My love has been so conditional--it's completely humiliating to admit, but until I was able to admit this to myself and to God, I was stuck. I can make a list of all the reasons that I was entitled to these feelings, but in reality I have absolutely no business even making an excuse for my attitude.

God amazes me! Completely amazes me! It's times like this that convince me more and more that He is so present with me--only He can change my heart. Others can speak to me, can give advice, can help, but only God can change a heart. Many, many times it's through the voices of His people that we are changed, but the credit is always His. It's in those quiet, seemingly dark times that so often we are overcome with His light. That day, in my car...a change began. He has given me a new love for my daughter. Am I still frustrated? To be perfectly honest, I haven't been since that day. Have the behaviors changed? Maybe a bit--that's not the point--they will. It's my perspective that has. I am called to love as He loves and that is without condition. Love can not depend on circumstance or it is not love at all.

Selah is a delight, she is created by God in His image. She, like me, needs a Savior because we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). It's so much fun listening to hear recite all of her Bible verses--she knows quite a few and they are so meaningful to her. I asked her what her favorite verse was for our Christmas card and she replied "Joshua 1:5--I will never leave you nor forsake you." She has lived 8 years of life left and forsaken--she is no longer. My eyes are all wet just thinking of the magnitude of that answer. All she wants, all she desires is to know that she is not going to be left or forsaken. Whether she understands the love of God or not, she needs to know that love from her parents first and we pray she sees Christ through us fullfilling that promise to her.

The rest of the Opps are doing well. Derek recovered well from his accident--thank you so much for praying for him and for all the kind words. Gracie is doing OK--her blood counts are going in the wrong direction and she needs to have some pretty major oral surgery in the next few weeks. Connor is busy with basketball and Breuklyn is swimming. We celebrated Selah's birthday on Sunday--what a fun day we had! And tomorrow is the big event--Selah and Gracie are both having their first birthday parties ever with friends!! We will be constructing gingerbread houses with 20 kids--should make for some fun photo opps! I will try to update this more often--actually I don't even know if anyone is still checking in. No matter, I love having a journal for my kids!

Have a terrific night!

Love,

Gayle

the dreaded phone call

2010-10-18T06:45:00.000-07:00

Late Friday night...actually, really early Saturday morning, around 1:30 am, we received the phone call that parents dread coming from their teenagers. "Dad, I had an accident and there's blood all over". Phone died. Frantically, we rushed out the door, cell phones in hand, I called 911, Curtis tried to reach Derek again and again--finally he did and sort of had a location. We knew he was within 15 minutes of home, but didn't know where. We started driving, Derek called again and said he would try to walk to the road. At this point, we thought he went into the ditch somewhere. Finally, we connected with him and found him on the side of the road. He had fallen asleep and drove into a large ravine. My heart sunk. We could barely see the car from the road, it was that far away and Derek was a bloody mess, his face nearly unrecognizable because of the blood. We brought him to the emergency room.

It was obvious he had a broken nose. Other than that, we awaited some tests. They came back with multiple fractures to the face. Our hospital is so small, they decided to send him to the Mayo Clinic by ambulance. Another journey to the hospital--this time not for Gracie either. We spent several hours there in the trauma room W-3, they looked at him from head to toe. He did sustain multiple fractures to the face--at least 8 from what this non-doctor could read on the report. Both eye orbits are fractures at the bottom, his nose is broken in several places, his cheekbone, and four bones of his jaw. Most of the facial bones will just heal on their own, but the nose and jaw will require surgery in a couple of weeks when the swelling subsides. Overall, he is fortunate, completely fortunate. According to our hospital and Mayo, many, many professionals have told us how lucky he is. We don't believe in luck, rather in a mighty God who somehow cushioned his ride.

Yesterday was to be a tough day for him. He felt pretty well actually. His face doesn't look like the sweet Derek that it did on Friday night when he left our home, but it will. He spent yesterday with many friends...some right here in Charles City...and his new friends at his new home at Dordt, all of them with Derek by phone, email, prayers. The support system we have here is just amazing! Not only Derek's, but our entire family's. I tell my kids all the time, if you have one true friend, you are blessed. We feel so abundantly blessed by our friendships we have--our kids were all taken care of, dinner on our table when we arrived home, prayers be offered up on our behalf, rides, phone calls, emails...amazing!

I keep thinking of the verse in James that tells us to consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. To witness our 18 year-old's attitude of joy despite the trial--I'm amazed. He has not had a pity party for himself at all, but is not going to waste this lesson. We believe with everything inside of us that God has a plan for Derek's life. He is supposed to be here to accomplish something for HIM. Trials develop perseverence, which develops maturity...how I love to see these words for my son.

Throughout the unknowns of Friday night and Saturday morning, we all carried that peace that passes all understanding--we feel so blessed by that gift that can only come from the One who created Derek, the One who created us for a purpose. His power is so magnificent He calms the seas, He placed the stars in the sky, He commands all over all--He also had His hand on a little red Taurus with one of our greatest treasures in it--we give Him the praise and the glory. And the scars Derek may have, the pain he is carrying, it is not wasted, it is not in vain...but rather a reminder of what He has done in Derek's life.

This Monday, I am so thankful for my son. I'm also so thankful for the reminder of Who is in charge and freedom that goes along with that. And the joy...oh the JOY!!

Have a terrific day!
Gayle

Holly!!

2010-10-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to post a comment on your blog, but it isn't letting me for some reason! I so want you to know that my family is praying for yours!! Please email me sometime at glopp@myclearwave.net. This is the only way I know how to get ahold of you :)!!

Your family is amazing--sweet Sarah is such a little trooper with the perfect parents God hand-chose!!

Love,
Gayle

Gracie update

2010-10-01T06:18:00.000-07:00

I have been rather vague about what is going on in Gracie's life because, to be perfectly honest, noone really knows! That is...noone here on this earth knows! We take great confidence in Psalm 139 knowing that the One who made her, who created her inmost beings...He knows! He knows each fiber of her being, He knows her days---not only the number of them, but what they are filled with. Right now, today...this day...is filled with laughter, with Charlie Brown, with making eggs, with filling the bellies of our local ducks...today is a good day.

These past months, however, have had some very interesting, painful days for Gracie. She is battling through some severe leg pain, now some arm pain, and also has had an episode which initially appeared to be a stroke. We are still awaiting answers for what is taking over her little body, but in the meantime...we are enjoying today. When I say she is battling intense pain, that is true, but it is not all the time. She may go days with none that she complains of anyways, then have a day where she cannot function at all. When her legs hurt, she cannot walk...she just sobs. In the past two days, her left arm is also hurting.

We seriously see God's hand ALL THE TIME in her life. He has continued to bless our family with the best caregivers and doctors, here in Charles City and at the Mayo Clinic. The doctor that is overseeing these new symptoms is seriously one of the kindest people I have ever met. He so wants answers and he so wants the answers to be treatable and fixable. It is so puzzling to him as he rules out one thing after another. We spent a considerable amount of time with him last week. All involved do not think this is directly related to her heart disease. At this point, he is thinking she may have an issue with her bone marrow. Obviously, our minds race to leukemia...as does his. The good thing--the simple bloodwork they took is not showing anything too out of whack, but 20% of the time, it is not a red flag. The next step for Gracie is to meet with an orthopedist, just to make sure they are like-minded when pursuing this next avenue of diagnosis.

Our family has amazing peace. In my heart, I do not think she has leukemia. She has something...that I know. Throughout these last four years, Gracie has had many, many issues. Her heart is not good. Yet, she has never had pain until these last months--at her young age, she should not be in pain. As her mom, this is what breaks my heart. I know God made her perfectly...heart and all. I just plead for Him to take away her pain...that is the part I do not understand. I know we live in a broken world with sin and pain and heartache--but, a child in pain is too much to bear.

The silver lining--most of the time...she feels just fine. She runs and plays and gets into mischief. There are times I'm pulling my own hair out because she is so incredibly normal...naughty!! She is taking dance with my dear friend, she just went to her first princess birthday party, she loves, loves, LOVES feeding the duck and going down the biggest slides at the park. Her life is so full! Her spirit is so free and amazing! She's doing things I never dreamed she's be doing...talking up a storm, telling stories, joking around, enjoying life. I, in no way, want this post to sound negative...it's just real life. And sometimes, real life is just hard. When the tough stuff happens, we are learning to just completely treasure all that is good, realizing that it's all temporary...joy always comes.

Our neurology appointment was cancelled on Friday morning due to a sick doctor. It is now scheduled, along with a cardiology appointment and bloodwork for October 29, unless there is a cancellation. We have the benefit of being able to drop everything and head north, so we may be there next week--we shall see. She is scheduled to see the best of the best--for that we are grateful. I will try to update when we hear anything. Know that we appreciate your prayers!

Have a super day!!

Love,
Gayle

Where did the summer go??

2010-09-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, it's Labor Day! It's just so hard to believe summer is over--it's been a good one, that's for sure. Since I've been about the worst blogger in the world, I understand if there is noone left reading! As far as journaling my kids' lives, this is it, so I will continue on and give them at least a little glimpse into our lives as I see it.

We have been a busy crew, that's for sure! Summer started out with a graduation...Derek's. How fun to watch him receive his diploma and be rewarded with his amazing efforts. Derek has been such a joy to raise--as we have dreaded sending him on his way, we are completely excited to watch the next chapter of his life be revealed. We also take seriously God's promise that all of Derek's days were written before one of them came to be. God has a perfect plan for this young man's life--how blessed we are to have a front row seat!! Derek spent his mornings watching Gracie for me and his afternoons were spent working on his tan, I mean lifeguarding, at the city pool. He found a new passion--SOCCER--and was able to play on a team that ventured to the Iowa Games in July. What fun they had kicking that white ball around. And he ran...and ran...and ran. He also found lots of time to spend with his friends, one darling one in particular!!

Connor also had a terrific summer playing golf and baseball. He put the bat to the ball in some pretty intense heat! Our summer was warm and every time I heard the complaints about how hot a particular child was watching baseball, I just had to remind her of all of the clothes Connor had to wear...she became quiet. Then Connor joined the soccer team that Derek was on and also took advantage of an opportunity to run with the XC team in Colorado. He was going from one thing to the next--fitting in a job at the pool and also lots of time with his friends, again a pretty sweet one in particular! And he ran...but not much!

Breuklyn spent lots of time with her furry beasts--even adding another to her horse family. Curtis decided to bring home an old, FREE horse. Wouldn't you know it--he's my favorite. He barely moves! She worked so hard preparing for fair this year, entering her horses, horse tack she had made and wouldn't you know it--her CUPCAKES made it to State Fair! She also was on the swim team and RAN...and ran. She also found lots of time to hang out with friends, go to the pool, do what 7th graders do.

Selah had a pretty great summer. It seems like her episodes are fewer than what they once were--perhaps we are headed in the right direction. She just loves to go to the pool and play outside--there is no need to fill up her schedule right now with activities--she really just needs to be home as much as possible. She gets plenty of out time just going with us to all of the games and activities--her time will come to have a crazy schedule. It's just not now. Since she spent so many years in an orphanage, she really never learned how to play. She now plays! That is huge...to hear her role-play, playing house, playing the mom, feeding and dressing her babies...at nearly 10 years old, it seems like she is much, much younger, but that's OK. She needs to go back a bit and find some joy in some things she missed along the way. Right now, Selah and Gracie are watching Veggie Tales, playing with the doll house as she acts out the roles--it's good to see, good to hear.

Gracie's summer was mostly great. She continues to battle some pretty intense leg and foot pain. We really do not have answers yet, but hopefully someone will figure out something. She has to endure so much that any suffering just seems over-the-top for her. Heart disease is rather pain-free, so this has thrown us for a loop. There are times she will cry for 6 hours in excruciating pain--we cannot find relief when this happens. Most days are good. She may have pain, but can deal with it...but those other days are awful. Gracie also had an episode a week ago that has left us a bit puzzled and afraid. She is fine now, no effects at all, but at the time it appeared to be a stroke. The CAT scan came back normal, but she will seeing a neurologist in two weeks.

We did manage a pretty amazing ROAD TRIP this summer. We spent one night on Michigan Avenue in Chicago shopping with our five kids...and it was fun! Really fun! So fun noone wanted to leave (when I say shopping, I mean we walked right past all of my favorite stores with drool running down my face and went into stores like Puma, Nike, Disney, Penguin, Adidas...no Banana Republic, no Crabtree and Evelyn). We left Chicago much, much later than planned and drove through the night to Niagara Falls. I was so insistant on getting this amazing suite overlooking the fireworks on Niagara Falls, spending way too much money and we checked into our hotel at 5:30 am, missing everything!! Niagara Falls didn't disappoint this tired mama though--it was fantastic!! We enjoyed that day so very much. We then drove to Mentor, Ohio where Curtis and the three older kids went fishing on Lake Erie and brought home 23 giant walleye--delicious souvenier, that's for sure! After fishing, we spent four days at Cedar Point riding all of the record setting roller coasters and went home! Sweet time, sweet memories!

Now it's back to school, back to work for me, off to college--we have someone in every school this year--college, high school, middle school, elementary, and one at home--kind of fun, huh? As we say good-bye to summer, 2010, we smile! It was a good one!

still here!

2010-07-05T07:27:00.000-07:00

I apologize to anyone who is still checking in on our family--I have been horrible about updating this blog. I have started a post several times and just do not have the words. We are having a terrific summer...yet are struggling with some stuff with Gracie...I just can't put this all into words yet--our hearts are still sort of raw with all that is going on in her little body. I promise I will share more when I am able.

What I am learning is this...when our world seems to be crumbling around us, God continues to bless us. We are having so many incredible days with our family--we are making so many memories to last a lifetime. As follower of THE MOST HIGH, we do not only live by circumstance, but with hope, with joy, with love!

My time right now is very little on the computer...I have a little girl who is calling my name--I better run!

I have a GRADUATE...

2010-05-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

an adult...really? We have had a crazy few weeks around here--this blog has certainly been taking a backseat to LIFE! So many changes lie ahead for Derek--in a few months he'll be packing his car and ours to head to Dordt College to study pre-med biology and continue his running career with track and cross country. We are so proud of his accomplishments and his character. He has been and continues to be a joy to parent. I've had so much fun with him these past few days as he has been my only "big kid" home. We've played some serious bean bag toss, sat in the sun, been amused at Gracie's continuous antics, and just enjoyed some sweet mom/son time together. I haven't shed a tear yet over graduation...and I don't think I will. Isn't this what our goal in parenting is? To give our children wings! I'm sure the day we drop him off at Dordt will be a bit different, for I will miss him something terrible. He's just a great guy! Today, I just rejoice in the past 18 years...so grateful for this tremendous blessing in my life!!

What a blessing to work at the post-graduation party on Sunday night!! It was a blast watching Derek and his friends dancing and laughing and just being! He and his friends are so like-minded, they have lived out their high school years with such dignity and morality--as I miss my own son, I will miss these kids who are like my own as well! This summer MUST be filled with friendships, good times, sunshine, and future memories.

I really need to get on my other computer--the one with pictures!! For some reason, that computer is slow on the internet, but great with photos--this computer is quick, but doesn't hold my tens of thousands of pictures.

Have a great day!
Gayle

a brief update...

2010-05-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the emails...I do think some of them are going to Connor first--for some reason when I started this blog, his email is the one that is on the "dashboard". My email is glopp@myclearwave.net I'm so completely clueless with computers--not sure how to change it.

Anyways, Gracie is doing pretty well. Her foot/leg pain is daily at this point...sometimes excruciating, sometimes pretty manageable. We are just giving her motrin or tylenol to alleviate the pain. Her bone scan likely was normal because I have heard nothing back, nor have I called to begin more testing. The pediatrician we have at Mayo is hesitant to give Gracie more meds anyways because of her heart, so if we can get by with this for a bit, we will do so.

We are noticing some shortness of breath, decreased activity level, more sleep. When she runs across our yard, she is done for. She can play and play for hours, but any running or walking just wears her out. She can go upstairs and need to be carried back down...not normal for a 3 year-old, that's for sure. There has also been a couple of mornings that we have a hard time warming up her little body.

We are having fun watching her learn, listening to her sweet voice. She's a happy little girl, full of spunk and sass! She gives big, wet, long kisses, cuddles lots, and loves to role-play. She's always playing with her babies, who happen to look a lot like Buzz and Woody from Toy Story, she loves being read to, watching movies, and just hangin' with her mommy.

We also aren't really all that concerned about potty training or pacifiers! All those things that we rushed our other children out of are really no concern at this point for Gracie. She sometimes wears her big girl panties (her favorites are boys briefs because that's the only toy story ones we could find) but most of the time asks for a diaper. Big deal? Nope. Our house has never been messier or dustier...big deal? Nope. She doesn't know her ABCs and cannot count to 10...big deal? Nope. We just desire for her to enjoy life, to know she is treasured beyond measure. We love to experience the vast amount of joy she experiences--it's so hard to describe the feeling we have with her of holding onto each moment, not knowing if some of these days won't be around for long. I feel like I'm actually sucking her in, trying to freeze different moments. She told me last week..." Me get big, me pway socca...you watch? Ok? You watch? OK? " Will she get big? I don't know. Will she play soccer? not likely. Crushed dreams at 31/2--tough one to take...I sobbed. Then we went outside and played soccer...not crushed dreams--but possibilities. We have not given up hope for a future with Gracie...not in the least, yet we also have been hit with a brick of reality these past couple of months. It seems like we are on the fence right now--hoping and praying for life, yet living and breathing only for today. Maybe that's the way we should be living anyways...who knows?

Where's Waldo??

2010-04-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

Notice who's peeking out her sweet little face in Derek's prom pics!!

Livin' the good life!!

2010-04-07T12:43:00.001-07:00

We most certainly are!! Although we have lots going through our minds concerning Gracie, life at the Opps is rather fun. We are getting ready for Derek's graduation...oh, man, I'm going to miss this kid! He is/has always been a delight to parent. He has such a sweet, kind-hearted spirit that is full of adventure and silliness...at home, he's often the life of the party. One night he was out with friends at dinnertime and we realized how quiet our family was without him. He adores his sisters--all three of them! Sweet Gracie has him wrapped around her tiny little finger and she knows it. Mom and Dad might say "no" once in awhile, but Derek--NEVER! We are threatening him big time...you know, that day where he brings his kids over to our house so we can babysit--oh my...we will DELIGHT in giving them everything. No? What's that? Derek is having a blast with his track season, enjoying his friends, making many memories these last weeks of his high school time.

Connor has started golf and he loves it! He has been golfing rain or shine, cold or warm, sometimes it's pretty dark out and he's still missing. He had his first high school meet on Monday and is looking to improve his score next time. It wasn't his best day, but he's had some pretty amazing days leading up to it. He, too, is just so much fun! I love parenting high school boys--there is no drama...or not much drama, anyways. Connor and his friends spend lots of time over here, empty our snack box often, laugh LOUDLY, and just have so much fun.

Breuklyn has been back at the barn...which means I've been spending many of my days at the barn as well. One of my friends was out with her kids the other day and stated that she would've pictured me last of anyone to be out with these furry beasts. She's so right. I don't like animals up close and personal. I'm pretty much freaked out by anything alive and non-human. God is smiling, maybe belly-laughing when He watches what goes on in that barn. I'm pretty sure every hose is a snack, everything fuzzy is a mouse, disgusted by poop on my sandals...He must laugh. I love nothing more than watching Breuklyn's hair in the wind as her horse is running through the field with her on his bare back...she is gorgeous out there--exactly what she was made to do. I'm still sort of freaked out, but am stomping around there pushing heavy horse butts out of the way, throwing bales of hay, and yeah...stepping in poo!

Selah is doing beautifully! This is only God. We have been so clueless as to how to parent her unique needs...He has completely intervened. Her heart has changed so much in the past couple of months--it blows my mind. Not only is she falling in love with her family...we have fallen head over heels in love with her. She fits perfectly. Oh, how I enjoy listening to her read. She has so much expression, especially when she doesn't think anyone can hear her. We turn the monitor on when her and Gracie play together...at first for safety reasons, now just to hear their giggles, to hear them role-play...they are so incredibly tight. True sisters in every sense of the word. Thank you for praying for our daughter--God indeed is filling her up!

And Gracie...despite the bad news of a couple of weeks ago, she is doing super well. She talks and talks and talks and talks... Just a few months ago, she could say very, very little. Today, I sent my friend Sara, her speech therapist, a text that said She won't shut up! THanks :) It's true...she talks from the time she gets up until she goes to bed...her little mouth is always moving. She giggles with everything inside of her. What a little honey she is.

Life is good...it's amazing actually. Sometimes we get so caught up in what is hard that we forget just how beautiful our life actually is. The past couple of weeks have been difficult--we can't help but think of what is to come. But today--sheer bliss!

Oh yeah--and Connor is 15--am I really typing that? 15 years of awesomeness!!

feet and knees

2010-04-03T06:39:00.000-07:00

Just a little update on Gracie. We have spent a large portion of our week at the Mayo Clinic once again to try to figure out Gracie's foot pain. In my not-doctor mind, I was thinking the surgery might take care of the foot pain as well, yet the doctors are convinced the foot pain is it's own issue. Foot and leg pain can often be an indicator of something bigger...no matter--we just need to find out how to alleviate the pain.

So on Wednesday, we headed north. Gracie and I met with a pedicatric rheumatologist. Her symptoms do, somewhat, align themselves with rheumatoid arthritis. Before making a diagnosis and starting a treatment plan other possibilities need to be weeded out. This past week she had intensive xrays and a complete bone scan. Yesterday we went for the bone scan--they had to place an IV, which is so scary for Gracie. She screamed and screamed...miserable, scared, just sick of the pokes. They called in pediatric specialists...by then, Gracie and I were both a mess. This is the most difficult things about parenting Gracie--watching her suffer. She's up at nights lots with horrible foot pain...and now knee pain. Then the many pokes. She walks into any medical office and declares, "no pokes, no owies, dus dawk, k?" (just talk) She so, so anxious about needles...and I don't blame her. They poke, and poke, and poke. She has no idea, nor can she conceive the idea that the pokes are for her benefit. I want to be her rescuer when this is happening, but instead I'm the one holding her down. It just stinks.

Yesterday, however, when the pokes were done, when the bone scan was complete, the technician allowed Gracie to perform an MRI on her Woody doll, who is actually her Nino doll, which actually is Derek...clear as mud? Anyways she strapped him to the table, pushed the buttons to slide him through the tunnel, closing the top really close to his little round nose. Then she told him...sweetly, yet firmly..."no wiggle woes, Nino." She held onto his head and his hand and put her face really close to his. Then she pushed the button to slide him on out. When the machine stopped, she gently picked him up, sat on the stool, and rocked him, kissing his little brown hat, and telling him that she loved him. That's what mommies do!

We are very uncertain about Gracie's future...what it's going to look like, how long it's going to be...yet we are convinced and KNOW THAT WE KNOW THAT WE KNOW Who is holding onto her future. When we are dealing with the tears...hers and ours...we know that in a moment there will be joy, there will be smiles, there will be laughter, for we know, without a doubt He is holding onto us.

Besides the foot and knee pain, Gracie is doing really well. She feels terrific, she has a lot of energy, she's talking up a storm.

Better run...off to dye some eggs!
Gayle

that's what faith can do

2010-03-25T04:43:00.000-07:00

I've seen dreams that move a mountain,
Hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered,
Broken hearts become brand new.
That's what faith can do!

Words by Kutless

Yesterday, after driving home from Rochester with tears flowing freely, this song came blaring through my car speakers--exactly what I needed to hear.

I will back up. On Monday, I received a very disturbing phone call from Gracie's cardiologist. He told me they had a "meeting of the minds" concerning Gracie's surgery that was on the schedule for this morning. After much discussion and review of her previous tests and previous surgeries, they ALL (2 surgeons and 8 pediatric cardiologists) were in agreement that it was too risky for Gracie to have this surgery. She not only falls into the high risk category, but is in every high risk category they have a category for apparently. Her cardiologist told me to bring her up yesterday, run her through the 8 appointments on her schedule and a final decision would be made.

We still had hope. This surgery has been the one that we were told could possibly give her a somewhat normal life, not a long life, but a much longer life. The key word is possibly. The doctors do not feel confident at all that she would survive the surgery, much yet the years following the surgery. If the surgery wouldn't be successful, there would be nothing left to try for her.

All that to say...no surgery.

Without the surgery, her ventricle will likely wear out in it's own time. It's a lose, lose situation. From a wordly perspective.

I praise God for another perspective! It wasn't doctors 3 years ago that healed Gracie's valve. Even Gracie's surgeon yesterday told me "Gracie's life is a miracle. She shouldn't be here today." That's what we are holding onto. Not one thing in Gracie has changed since Monday's phone call, since last fall's scheduling of surgery. She is the same--all of her tests were good (for Gracie), she gets to stay home, rather than be in the hospital right now fighting for her life. I was told yesterday to just enjoy my family, enjoy being together--that's what we will do. And pray...we will continue to seek the Lord, we will continue to trust Him with her life and that means trusting Him to give her as many days as He has planned. If He does take her home to Himself at a young age, we will continue to trust Him, we will continue to praise Him for allowing us to parent such an amazing child.

We've had a lot to process these past couple of days. Yesterday, it was as if our hopes were crushed. Today, I am so comforted by the fact that my hope does not lie in man, but in God, who loves Gracie more than I possibly can. He loves my family and His plan ultimately is a good one.

Praising through tears!
Gayle

Spring Break

2010-03-21T14:37:00.000-07:00

We had a fabulous week with our family! All seven of us spent the week at the Wisconsin Dells, sitting by the pool, enjoying the waterslides, just being together. Gracie felt better each and every day. Not only better, but braver!! By the end of the week, she was putting her whole head under water and going down the baby slides solo--super cute!

Half of our small town decided to spend spring break in the Dells, so Connor and Breuklyn were able to join up with some friends during the days. The weather was incredible!! We even sat outside and tanned a bit...that doesn't happen in this area much in March.

Derek turned 18 on Thursday, so we decided to spend a night in Minneapolis and shop on Friday...shop we did!! We opened and closed the mall, closed down IKEA--quite a day. By the end of the day, Gracie was sleeping, we were moving her from mall to car to Ikea to car...she didn't blink...she was exhausted!!

Then last night, a bunch of Derek's friends surprised him with a party...definitely a great spring break.

As for Selah, many of you have emailed me...thanks for the suggestions and the prayers. She has had a terrific month!! She is trying so hard to break some of the behaviors. One night, after a little episode, I walked into her room and she was sitting on her bed praying out loud, asking God to help her stop doing naughty things. She had tears rolling down her face...so did I. I just know, with everything inside of me, that He is doing amazing things in her heart.

We are blessed!

I will try to update this blog on Wednesday night after Gracie's pre-op appointments. Thanks for praying for our family!
Gayle

A CHAMP!!

2010-03-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

Last Monday, Derek crossed the finish line FIRST in the mile at his first indoor track meet of the year...super exciting!! I don't think I've screamed louder or jumped higher in quite some time--it was a blast. This week we get to watch him on Monday and Tuesday...so excited!

The photo is a senior picture from Cooper Images and Design--cute, huh?

Gayle

3 years ago...

2010-03-15T06:37:00.000-07:00

It was three years ago tomorrow that we turned off ECMO, or Gracie's "machine" heart and lungs, ready to hold her for the very last time, ready to rock our sweet baby girl into her eternal home. Three years ago that our family gathered around her hospital bed, kissed her good-bye, felt raw emotion...a sadness that completely washed over us, thinking of a world without our Gracie. It is as it was yesterday.

It was three years ago that we witnessed a miracle! Life, determined by man's intelligence, man's experience, was to be over. Yet God!! He, and He alone, determines our days...Gracie's day to enter His kingdom was not three years ago on March 16, 2007!! We praise Him for three years that we didn't believe we would have. Isn't this how we should live our lives? Three years ago, my heart longed for another heartbeat, another hour, another day with our daughter. We didn't dare dream of three years with her...yet that is what we were given--how great is our God!!

I cannot tell you the comfort that brings our family as we approach yet another surgery next week. We know, WITHOUT A DOUBT IN OUR MINDS, that it is God who will determine Gracie's days. He gives and He takes away--blessed be the name of the Lord! We pray, with such expectancy, that He is going to do mighty things next week in sweet Gracie's body. Perhaps this little battle with pneumonia was a reminder that His hand is on our daughter...we need not fear, yet trust His heart.

I will say, however, that amidst the peace, we are somewhat weary. I think we can have both...and it's OK. We know in our hearts that Gracie is going to be just fine. Yet, how we dread to watch her helpless and afraid. It is so difficult to face the unknowns--this surgery is not one that is an obvious choice for Gracie. We have been given two options--to operate and give her the best chance at a longer life, or to not operate and give her several years, allowing her ventricle to just wear out in it's own time. At first it was obvious, we want Gracie to have a long life. Don't we all want that for our kids? None of us decide to parent, hoping for just a couple of good years, do we? As we get closer to the surgery, we do realize the risks involved, we do know her heart is not a perfect fit for the procedure that will be done for her.

For us to go back three years and remember the circumstances, to remember the heartache, to remember being constantly on the edge of death...as difficult as it is, it is what will carry us these next weeks. When the news was so bad, we literally couldn't breathe or hold down our food...the peace of God was more real to us than ever before. Peace amidst the storm. He carried us, He breathed for us, He moved our feet one step in front of the other.

Back then, I didn't feel comfortable sharing completely what was going on...mainly to protect our children. They were reading the journal...for me to publish that Gracie only had 30% chance of surviving the surgery, then 5% chance of surving the surgery, then a miracle would be her only way of surviving ECMO being shut off...it would have crushed them. We continued to tell them we serve a God of miracles--that is what they prayed for, that is what they KNEW would happen, and that is what we witnessed. We are not facing those odds with this surgery--Gracie is much stronger, the doctors and surgeon know her heart much better, and she has survived the unsurvivable.

We have 10 days before the chaos begins!! That means we have lots to do! We get to enjoy getting Gracie out of bed in the morning--it's almost a fight to get to her when all of the kids are up and home. She is so happy and snuggly in the morning. We also get to read at least 30 stories to her--1 for her nap and 2 for her bedtime. We will likely watch Toy Story and Toy Story 2 ten times each. Gracie usually can watch about 15 minutes, then the rest of the kids are glued and she is off doing something else. Usually, Curtis and I will walk in and it's our senior who is watching the kid movie and no kids around!! Gracie will go through possibly 15 identities--she takes on the role of whoever she is "into" at the time. After the cruise, she wouldn't respond to Gracie, but only Donald Duck. We had to call her Donald for at least 10 days!! Now she is Baby Woody from Toy Story. Not only Gracie gets a new identity, but our entire family does!! Last week, she was yelling "Hot Girl" from her crib in the morning. She had been calling me "girl" because I am now Bo Peep from Toy Story and she didn't know her name. So she's yelling, "hot girl" and I'm making sure everyone knows it. I had Curtis listening to the monitor, was all too excited to tell the kids, then she corrected me, "hat girl"...not hot girl. Bummer. It was a serious blow to my ego! She's hilarious.

We are also going to spend a few days at the Wisconsin Dells this week as the kids are on spring break. It will be fun to just be together with no distractions.

Today, I'm especially excited because I get to see Derek run in his first track meet of the season. Woohooo!!

Life is good...it is precious and to be cherished...every minute of every day, we should make the most of it!

sick baby girl

2010-03-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

Our little Gracie has pneumonia and is feeling pretty crummy. On Monday she woke up with a cough. With her heart and lung issues, a cough is always scary for our family. I brought her to the doctor and he thought she had a mild case of bronchitis, which she did. He put her on some aggressive antibiotics and sent us on our way. My gut told me it was more than that...during the night on Monday night, she was up coughing all night long. I brought her in for a Xray, then to the doctor, and she had developed pneumonia. Since Gracie basically only is making use of one lung appropriately, pneumonia is one of our greatest fears--at one time her cardiologist told us that pneumonia is fatal for Gracie. She is much, much stronger now, however, and is actually doing as well as could be expected.

She continues to cough lots and has horrible foot pain. We aren't sure what that is all about, but it has been an issue for quite some time, seemingly worse when she's not feeling great. Tonight, she has been in complete agonizing pain...she cannot sleep, she screams, and is unconsolable. If you know Gracie, that is simply out of character--she handles pain well, is almost always very pleasant.

As I was rocking her tonight, my heart was, and still is, breaking. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why this sweet little girl has to endure so much pain. We pray and we pray and we pray, yet she suffers. I know it doesn't help to question the whys...she was created beautifully and amazingly...but why the pain? Why the hurt? She is so innocent. I just don't get it. Again...it doesn't help to question the whys, yet they are still there, at the front of my mind and all over my heart. And to think that in 2 short weeks, once again her body will be opened up, followed by a very long, painful recovery. She's three years old, has done nothing wrong...it simply doesn't make sense in my human mind.

Yet God. He has allowed this...for some reason, for some great plan...He has allowed this to happen. He knows the answer to my questions, He calms my heart, and He gives Gracie relief. He has given her breath, He has given her a sweet, sweet spirit who radiates joy, He has given her so many who love her dearly. He has given her perhaps the most fabulous brothers and sisters possible. So...while I sit here in my self-pity and daughter-pity (I just made that up), I can know that He knows. I can sit here with the assurance that the pain is temporary, His glory is everlasting. Every once in awhile, like tonight, right now, I can be hit with the realization that He knows my mother's heart in watching her little girl suffer. As He has watched His Son.

Yet God.

Thanks, Accidental Advocate!!

2010-03-08T10:47:00.001-08:00

My first award in like a million years--so exciting! Actually, with my completely lacking computer skills, I'm not even sure how this is done! Please check out my friend Lynn at accidentaladvocate.blogspot.com. She's an amazing mom who writes with passion and purpose!

I guess I get to pass it on to another blog and DRUMROLL PLEASE, the award is going to Jean at theprincessdiaries-daughters.blogspot.com. She's a mom to many kids--her biological children are mostly grown and she and her husband have brought home two girls from China, who are the ages of Selah and Gracie--we actually were fortunate enough to meet and become real people friends!! Their story doesn't end there--check it out for yourself--you will be blessed!

Love,
Gayle

Living our fear...

2010-02-23T10:04:00.000-08:00

AND IT'S OK! When adopting Selah, I was rather hesitant. I had read and read and read stories of adopting older institutionalized children. Fear of the unknown overtook my heart and my mind--in no way would I even consider adopting a child over the age of 5. But then came that list...

We prayed over each child on the list--I set the papers off to the side of the children in which I was certain we couldn't parent--off to the side went the file on He Fubai. A few of the children needed several surgeries--with Gracie's many hospital stays and level of care, we knew the timing wasn't right to bring home another child who would keep me away from home. Then there was He Fubai--pretty healthy, a sad face, and SEVEN years old. What if we brought home a child that would disrupt our already busy lives? What if the child was destructive, or worse--violent? Disrupt birth order? I had read that was not recommended, sometimes not allowed.

Yet Curtis. He would question my heart. He would question my motives. He would remind me that we didn't need another child, but a child needed us. "Which of these children won't be chosen?" he would ask. He Fubai would make it back into our pile.

Well, many of my greatest fears have come true. We are dealing with significant issues with Selah...some days are good, some are OK, some are horrific. We are living my fear.

And you know what?

It's OK!

Our marriage has never been stronger, our other children are doing beautifully, our family unit is tight, loving, and committed to one another. We are just fine.

The love I see my children pouring out for a child who doesn't love back...it's quite amazing to see. Our kids are learning to love IN SPITE OF the circumstances...to love because HE loves.

So...if you are considering adopting an older child and you are as freaked out as I was, know this...even if your worst fears come true, He will provide all you need...more than that, He will love through you and you will be OK!

I have started this post, deleted this post, rewrote this post, published this post, deleted this post...I never want anyone to think badly of Selah. She is a lovely little girl with a completely broken heart that can only be fixed by Jesus. We love her dearly and rejoice in every smile, every bit of progress, every hug. She is a treasure!!

Matthew 6:19-21 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and theives do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will be your heart also.

HOME!!!

2010-02-20T04:42:00.001-08:00

We had a fabulous trip!! How sweet it was to share 12 dinners, 12 breakfasts, and several other "meals" with all seven of us...minus cell phones. How we enjoyed playing on the beach, sitting in the sun, just being together for 6 days--beautiful time with priceless memories etched on our hearts.

It truly was GRACIE'S TRIP!! At first, we thought...Gracie may not even remember this trip, how can we make it hers?? Well, first of all, she has never had more attention EVER. All of the kids doted on her, we spent our days and nights as a family choosing what Gracie would like best. To think this little sweetie is going under the knife in one short month inspired each of us to appreciate this beautiful time. We had planned on renting jet skis and leaving Gracie with the childcare center. When it came down to it, none of the kids wanted to do anything without her...instead we spent that day at the beach playing in the blue water and soft sand.

The food was fabulous--did I mention we ate? And ate, and ate, and ate? Our older three kids are quite adventurous with food--how they loved trying everything! We pretty much loved having the freedom to approach any restaurant, any food booth and grab whatever we wanted. I'm certain our family added a few pounds before we had to go home.

Our family is humbled by the generosity of the Make-A-Wish foundation and will be lifelong supporters. We are so grateful for having these memories with Gracie!

Enjoy the photos!!

Gayle

Bon Voyage!!!

2010-02-14T04:29:00.000-08:00

We are leaving our hotel shortly to board the ship!! So stinkin' exciting!!! I couldn't sleep at all last night and headed to the hotel lobby early this morning to post pics of Gracie and her bags at the airport. Wouldn't you know it--I couldn't get my laptop connected to the internet. She was ALL business yesterday walking through the airport with her backpack and wheeled suitcase. We ran to Target the night before so we would have the perfect stroller and she wouldn't hear of it!

We've had a great two days with our family just getting here! We closed down the Mall of America on Friday night, filled our bellies with ribs, slept a bit, then began our day of travel. Our flights were delayed a couple of hours, so we spent most of the day at the airport. How grateful we are for technology! The boys and Breuklyn camped out at a little internet hotspot with their gadgets and Gracie and Selah watched movies on our laptop. I'm wondering what parents did back in "the day"?

As the rest of the family was snoozing this morning, I woke up with such joy in my heart. Not only do we have this opportunity for a fabulous vacation with our family, we have been so blessed by our new "make-a-wish" family. Again, our journey with Gracie has blessed us with so many new friends. The three fabulous women who have shared their time with us, those who we will never meet, but give so generously...treasures, that's for sure! On the plane yesterday, a family walked in behind us--their little boy had on a Make-A-Wish tshirt and they noticed the backpack Curtis was carrying. After visiting a bit, we found out we only live 30 minutes from each other--we spent a little time in the airport here in Orlando, exchanged information, and talked of getting together when we return--another blessing!

I will try to get some photos on here soon, that is if my computer is working!!

Have a fabulous Valentine's Day and Happy Chinese New Year!!
Gayle

Surgery scheduled...

2010-01-15T14:05:00.001-08:00

At our last cardiology appointment in Rochester, Gracie's surgeon told us to call his office and set something up for March--that seemed a long ways off in November. I put off that call until last week, then put off thinking about it much until today. For some strange reason I have been dreaming about Gracie's surgery LOTS...sometimes old surgery memories are puzzled together with her future surgery. Each time this comes up, God prepares my heart in many different ways. Sometimes, I believe He allows me numbness or denial and sometimes He give me His word to prepare for what's coming.

Anyways, Gracie is scheduled for her Modified Fontan operation on March 25. She will have a full day on the 24th--lots of bloodwork, lots of tests--then early on the 25th we will hand her over to men and women who are now quite familiar with her heart and even her personality.

Until that day...we have lots of fun to fit in!! We are enjoying playing LOTS! Gracie loves to play with Breuklyn's old Fisher Price dollhouse--it consumes us. I'm a bit OCD with the dollhouse, I'll admit it. I like to have the proper furniture in the correct rooms--seriously, have you ever seen a dining room table in the bathroom? Gracie PLAYS...she's not about organizing AT ALL. She's mostly about each of the moms having her own babies, then naming them so uniquely. We always have a Nino (Derek), Ana (Connor), Booboo (Breuklyn), Lala (Selah), and a ME (Gracie). I do treasure her giggles as she tries to make Lala really naughty jumping on the bed, and Nino crashing the van into the wall. How fun!

The Opps are definitely pumped for Gracie's Make-A-Wish trip! We are constantly on the Disney website, checking out the cruise, dreaming about being warm for five days!! Even Gracie, when she sees the website starts cheering..."Pooh boat, Pooh boat!" Pooh won't be making an appearance--we are trying very hard to flip her interest to Mickey and Toy Story!! We have a month!

Until March 25, we also have many basketball games, a couple of swim meets, the first track meet of the year, spring break, Derek's birthday, some sledding, many morning of sharing coffee (Gracie's is hot chocolate), lots of bedtime stories, at least 50 games of Memory...lots to do!

I'm not on a computer with photos, so I will try to add some later. Have an awesome day!
Gayle

And the wish is...

2009-12-30T11:00:00.000-08:00

GRANTED! Gracie and crew will be boarding the Disney Wonder on Valentine's Day! We are super excited for this adventure, just one month before Gracie's fontan surgery.

Bon Voyage!

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2009-12-30T09:24:00.000-08:00

We continue to celebrate this Christmas season, delighting in the greatest gift to all...the birth of Jesus Christ. As our lives fill up with busy schedules, parties, presents, food, and fun, we remember the reason we live with peace in our hearts and joy in our home--Jesus Christ--the Prince of Peace, the Son of God who became man dwelling among us in our sinful world so that we could become children of the Most High! I praise Him! It makes the ipods, the toys, the material presents under the tree pretty insignificant, doesn't it? The gift of a Savior, God with us...AMAZING LOVE!

Because of the weather we stayed home for Christmas. I think Breuklyn had the same jammies on for four days (showers in between, I promise!)! We've watched countless movies, put together giant puzzles, played the Wii and XBox until our fingers were considered "fit", rolled the dice for our board games, not needing to leave the house for anything! Well, Curtis and I did take off for a few hours on the 26th just for our sanity :) !!

We are so blessed this season with health! Gracie is feeling better than she ever has...she's running this place! Today, she is sporting her 4th of July attire with brown and pink plaid shorts--who's to say that doesn't work when its 20 degrees and snowing? Our house is warm! She's become SO SO SO independent...she knows what she wants to wear, what she wants to eat, where she wants to go, and who can go with her. My dear friend, Sara is her speech therapist and has aided Gracie greatly with her speech. She is now able to run a family of 7--as we've prayed for speech, to find us shushing her is quite ironic. A few minutes ago I called the Mayo Clinic to schedule her next surgery--it will likely be in March right after spring break--I'll keep you posted!

Our older kids are CRAZY about Christmas and will not let tradition die. We continue to run balls of yarn throughout our entire house for them to find their gifts--when we mention just placing them all under the tree, we are met with serious opposition! This year, Gracie was the first one up and she just ran right through the string, pulling things out of drawers and cupboards...chaos!

It's nearly noon and I still have some sleepers around here--what a rude awakening it will be in just five short days as the alarm rings at 7 am. It's eerily quiet around here--I better run!

I hope your Christmas was filled with joy, and your New Year is blessed abundantly!

Love,

Gayle

Selah is 9!

2009-12-29T11:11:00.000-08:00

Selah celebrated her birthday on December 5--as you can see, we have had a very busy December! Both of the girls have had a lot of practice opening gifts and downing sugary treats! This is only Selah's 2nd birthday she has celebrated--this time Selah anticipated what was coming and was super excited. For her birthday, she just wanted fuzzy stuff, so fuzzy stuff is what she received--fuzzy clothes, fuzzy blankets, fuzzy animals--she loves texture. It is obvious she has some sensory issues--touch, smell, noise--she is quite sensitive to all of it.

Selah's past year has been full of adventure--some exhilirating, some pretty interesting, yet all useful. We are still in the process of learning how to be a part of a family. As we have battled through several behavioral issues, several "institutional symptoms", we are in a period of relative peace around here. Yes, her actions are very much to blame at times, yet we are finding our reactions can make or break the situation.

As we celebrated Selah's 9th birthday, I rejoice in the fact that she has a family, she is loved! I also look forward to what this next year will bring--we are praying for healing of her broken heart and the peace within her that she has no doubt she is loved. Now that would be a great gift for her before her next birthday!

Love,

Gayle

GRACIE IS 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-17T17:28:00.000-08:00

Blessed doesn't begin to describe what is going on in my heart today. Over and over again, I have replayed that winter morning driving that long, lonely road to St. Louis, not knowing what to expect. Would our child be alive when we get there? We knew Gracie was extremely critical, having been resuscitated several times the morning of her birth. We walked into CHAOS! This little 5 pound dumpling was covered in tubes, wires, stickers, HANDS...yet underneath it all we saw complete beauty--God's handiwork displayed in gorgeous slanted eyes and soft, feathery hair. 10 fingers, 10 toes, arms, legs, mouth, nose--from the outside all intact. Underneath that beautiful shell was what we would soon learn...a very unique inside. All of Gracie's organs were in the wrong place, her intestines were going in dangerous directions...and her heart. Her heart was only using two chambers and had inadequate arteries to her lungs..."quite involved." we heard. "Extremely high risk" "Go home today--don't put your family through this." "She will likely not leave this hospital". Little did they know, God had a very different plan for this child. If they could see her now!! If they could have watched her blow out her candles and sing happy birthday to herself along with her family, if they could only hear her giggle and watch people's smiles stretch across their faces when Gracie blows kisses.

My heart is so full, it's about going to burst!

Gayle

What a week we've had!

2009-11-27T05:04:00.001-08:00

It's been so much fun!! On Friday afternoon, we received a phone call from Hope Kids asking us if we'd be interested in going to the Vikings game--I didn't need to ask Curtis or the kids, just gave a big YES, so early Sunday morning, we headed to Minneapolis to watch Brett Favre have his best game ever--every touchdown, but one, was smack dab in front of our faces--an incredible game--oh...so much fun! The first play of the game, Breuklyn and I high-fived one another and Selah asked if the Comets won :) (the comets are our high school team). I'm not so sure she was as into it as we were!!

The kids were out on Wednesday for Thanksgiving, so we decided to go to the Timberwolves game and spend the day shopping. Well, thanks to Hope Kids once again, they offered us box seats to a Minnesota Wild hockey match...seriously fun! Our first hockey match and it was seriously the most fun professional sports event I have ever attended. We spent the day Wednesday at the Mall of America--on Sunday at the football game, they handed out little coupons to each of us for a free ride--one out of 30 received a wristband--well, wouldn't you know it--we all received wristbands! Connor thought it would be a good idea to buy a lottery ticket yesterday :)

Pooh, and Tigger, and Eeyore--oh my!

2009-11-17T18:35:00.000-08:00

On Thursday night, we had visitors!! Gracie has been approved for a wish through the wonderfully generous organization Make-A-Wish. They came in full costume to visit with Gracie about what her wish is.

We will let you know when it's granted! The photos are so stinkin' cute--I had to share.

Oh...and at the end of the night, Selah, just as smart as can be, stated--"I think there are persons in there!" What do you think?

Sweet, sweet day!

2009-11-17T18:14:00.000-08:00

Gracie and I spent the day with her birthmom. Just thinking about our day brings tears to my eyes--what an incredible woman who loves this little girl enough to give her the best life possible. Gracie's birthmom and I have spent many, many hours together. When Gracie was born, she spent her first 3+ months in St. Louis, which meant so did I! During those months, Gracie's birthmom and I spent every day together, long days cherishing this little being who was helplessly fighting for her life. We continue to keep in touch.

The past couple of years we have met in Iowa City, which is almost a halfway meeting point. Gracie had been so timid around people she didn't know....until the past 6 months or so. Today, she loved on the one who carried her for 9 months, giving her life when medicine told her life was unlikely. Today, Gracie gave this beautiful woman kisses and hugs, memories and laughter. Today, in Gracie, this beautiful woman witnessed the handiwork of God, healing and whole, pink lips and words...many words.

As an adoptive mom, I have one blessing that many don't--I was a birthmom myself who loved a child so much that I made the most difficult choice to place him in a family who could provide what I couldn't. My heart hurts for this woman, yet rejoices in the fact that she knows Gracie is just fine. She knows how loved this little girl is, she's watched the hand of God healing and holding onto Gracie's heart.

I feel so blessed to know this woman. I feel so blessed to call her friend.

Smiling,
Gayle

just a grand 'ole day!

2009-11-09T18:35:00.000-08:00

Gracie's heart looks great! Future doctor, Derek, and I headed to Rochester this morning for Gracie's echocardiogram and a meeting with her cardiologist and cardiothoracic surgeon. All is well...actually all is amazing! This was the first echo that had no issues--yep, that's right--no issues. Well, Gracie still has a heart that is like no other, she still uses just two chambers, has a variety of strange arteries, some missing, some extra...yet, it's beautiful AND it's working well! She will have her fontan procedure in March--we get the winter off--woohooo!!

As we were driving this morning, I shared my most favorite God moment ever with Derek. If you've been following Gracie's story for awhile, you know we almost lost her. She had a surgery in March of 07 where it was deemed unsuccessful--we made the most difficult decision to turn off ecmo and allow her heart to stop. Her body, according to medicine, could not survive. Well, anyways, on this day, March 14, Gracie had a "last resort" surgery. Her brave surgeon attempted once more to close this tricky valve. As the nurse called me to the "meeting room" where the bad news would be delivered, I panicked. I had a very dear friend with me, but I didn't have Curtis. He had taken umpteen days off of work due to the adoption, the months in St. Louis--and along with the adoption we had acquired much debt--he needed to work. Back to the story--I panicked. I called Curtis and told him he had to get to Rochester NOW. He was seeing a patient and just left--sorry if you are this patient, by the way! Rochester is over 70 miles away and the doctor was coming to meet me. Logistically, this makes no sense. None at all. By the time the doctor arrived, who wasn't running late, Curtis ran into the room. It was as if God stopped time for him to get there. Even if he was driving 100 miles an hour, he couldn't have beat the doctor walking from surgery to the "meeting room"--impossible. Today I shared this with our son. At the time, I was so overcome with grief and emotion...heart-sickening sadness, that I didn't even realize the miracle that brought my husband's strong arms to me when I needed them most. I do now. I have for a long time...He is faithful.

Today, we heard three different doctors tell us how great this same little miracle baby is doing and we have no shock. We know God's hand is on her, we know He knows how this journey is going to unfold. We know He is good, He cares for us, He adores Gracie.

Have a great night--we are celebrating today's news!
Gayle

State XC FUN!

2009-11-01T17:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was awesome--one of those days that Derek will remember as a highlight of his high school time. Actually this whole year, so far, has been a great one! He placed 36th among the states finest runners--quite an accomplishment, that's for sure. As parents, we couldn't have been prouder...not only for Derek's hard work, but just proud of his character. He's a great kid--it's a pleasure to parent him!

The day was doubly sweet because we traveled to Fort Dodge with no toddler in tow! Our friend, Sara, stayed at our home with Gracie and Selah, so we could spend the day with our big kids. Oh, how we loved the break, and oh...how we love Sara! During the course of the day, Selah's temp began to rise...another case of the swine flu--oh, my!

OK--triple fun day! My mom trekked to Fort Dodge to watch Derek cross the finish line--it was a short visit, but sweet nonetheless!

Both Selah and Gracie are doing well--Gracie is completely back to normal and Selah feels just fine. We are going to give her another day at home, but she seems to be bouncing back pretty quickly. Now, to keep the the rest of us healthy....

Gayle

Doing great!

2009-10-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

Gracie is almost back to normal--amazing! She feels great, is eating well, getting into mischief...yep, back to normal.

Thank you for praying for her!

Gayle

H1N1 hits home...

2009-10-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

The cardiologist at the Mayo Clinic just called me with the new that Gracie does indeed have the H1N1 virus. This virus attacks the respiratory system of these kiddos with heart disease. Please pray for Gracie's breaths to be easy, her temperature to be normal, and for her to drink. We can keep her at home as long as she is drinking plenty and breathing OK.

Gracie is SUPER CRABBY!! I call it the WHINEY SWINEY FLU!!

Gayle

fall fun

2009-10-27T19:39:00.001-07:00

Just cute--that's all! Five fabulous kids, that's for sure--I am blessed!

feeling blue....

2009-10-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

Gracie has had a rough couple of days. This morning we headed north to test her for h1n1 and influenza. With her anatomy, she is in a very high-risk group for contracting these viruses and really having a tough time fighting them. Our cardiologist doesn't mess around, that's for sure.

Her symptoms fall in line with h1n1, but we won't know for sure until tomorrow--it really doesn't matter what we call it, she is sick. Since Gracie has just one lung that's functioning as it should be, pneumonia is always a scare. She has a rough sounding cough, had a high fever, body aches, headaches, is lacking in balance and coordination, and of course is blue.

When things such as this take place, we are spun back into reality of how sick her little body really is. She just doesn't have the reserve, she doesn't have a strong heart, she doesn't have lungs that can tolerate junk. Her immune system is jeopardized and things hit her head on.

And...did I mention she is crabby? Like...really crabby. She wants me to hold her, but yet I am holding her wrong. She wants me to lie on the couch with her, but pushes me off because I'm in her way. Crabby.

Praying tomorrow is better! I'll update when we have the results of her tests back tomorrow!

Gayle

state.

2009-10-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

the mohawk tradition---still sweet!

Yippeeee!! The boys cross country team made it to state! We have had such fun watching this team of boys this year. At the beginning of the season, I don't think many would have thought this was going to happen for this team. They have worked so hard...all of them.

after conference meet...not feeling great

Connor's best time by over a minute!

I am one proud mama, that's for sure!

Selah update

2009-10-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much for praying for Selah, for the advice, for the been-there-this worked-this didn't information. Truly, God uses the internet for good in many, many ways. Since we live in small town, Iowa, we have few resources, few people to turn to who have adopted an older child out of an orphanage. Around this country, however, there is an abundance of you out there--thank you for sharing your stories, your lives with me.

Life is much better around here...we feel as if the difficulties we have been working through have actually been a good thing, now that the grass is greener, the behaviors absent (for now anyways). Selah is learning that no matter how "bad" she is, she is staying right here. She has no basis for unconditional love--perhaps she is testing us, testing our ability to stick with her. We are also changed! It's amazing to me how God can allow our greatest fears to invade our home and yet show us we can, with His help, get through yet another storm. Sometimes He breaks us. We have been through three months of brokenness and yet we are OK...we'll come out on the other side changed...it's good. My close friends know that no matter what is going on in my life, I'm able to wear a mask and have the answer of "it's all good.". We joke about this all of the time. In my deepest pit, my reply was always "it's all good". Well, you know what--sometimes it's just not. It has not been all good for the past three months--my once clean, organized, simple home has had a tornado spinning haphazardly through it. We are now cleaning up the debris, but have this feeling of quiet now.

Selah still has a long road ahead of her--we do know this. 71/2 years of heartache are not just wiped out in a year. 71/2 years of abuse and neglect are not completely gone because of a family. With a moldable heart, however, Jesus can get right in there and fill her up. She has a moldable heart. She is good, she tries so hard, she is sweet, she is loving, she is kind, she just needs Jesus. We are pretty certain that is why God brought her over the ocean, through mounds of paperwork and red tape to Charles City, Iowa...to our family. Our job is to show her Jesus.

In many ways, these past months, we have failed. We've tried what we've known and it hasn't worked for this child. There have been times, we have been so angry...our voices raised and our fingers pointed out of sheer frustration. That was clearly NOT what Selah needed. Most times, we could walk away, breathe a bit, pray, and come back with clear minds and soft voices. What Selah has responded best to is love, touch, and forgiveness--now, doesn't that just make perfect sense. At one time, I asked her--"do you think I love you or Breuklyn more?" She said, "Breuklyn". "How about Connor?", I asked. "You love Connor more." "Derek? Gracie?" Each time, she said the other child. She feels unworthy of love. We ask her all of the time now, "who do I love the most?" "You love me the most!", she will shout. I tell her, "I love you all the most. I love six children the MOST!" She needs the confidence that she can know love. She can know that she is loved not because of what she does and doesn't do, but she is loved because she is. As difficult as that love comes for me at times, it is there. It is there because I ask God for that love--I simply don't have it in me myself, but through Christ, and only through Him, I love.

Oh...to ramble on and on...that's me!
Have a blessed day!
Gayle

A king in the family!!

2009-10-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

We've had a fun, fun week around here! Last week, it was announced that Derek was nominated to the homecoming court and on Friday, he was crowned KING--yippee! What a fun year he is having--many wonderful friends...one in particular is pretty special, a fabulous XC season, college hunting, and now a crown--fun, fun!

Just like Mom!

2009-09-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

I think I can hear bouts of laughter roaring...anything athletic definitely comes from Dad!!

My boys can run...boy, can they run! Derek has just blown away any times he had last year...he's doing so well and we are so proud of him. It just amazes me how hard work has paid off for him. All summer long, he was pounding the pavement with those running shoes, mile after mile.

And Connor, each meet his personal record changes--he one ups himself each and every race. He, too, is having an excellent year.

Resting after watching...
Gayle

MOVE IT!

2009-09-17T06:15:00.001-07:00

Our mountain...that is! As I shared a couple of weeks ago, we are going through some really tough stuff with Selah, really tough. Again, I don't want to embarrass her or have anyone think she's a horrible child. She is not. Curtis compares her to a robot--she will go where you ask her, do what you ask her to do, completely submissive and sweet UNTIL she's by herself. She can turn herself on and off , seemingly feeling nothing...just blank. It's in those times alone, whether it's 30 seconds or an hour, that she shows really disturbing behavior. Now that we know, we cannot allow her to be alone, which is tough. It's tough on us as parents, it's tough on Selah, and it's tough on the other kids, who are completely innocent, not asking for the chaos that has wreaked havoc on our home. As we have tried everything we know to try, we are throwing our hands up (finally) and just asking God to move this mountain--we cannot. Can our faith be the size of a mustard seed, real faith? That's what we are now working on--ourselves. We have prayed all along that God would just give us the wisdom to parent this child, now we are taking it a step further and asking Him that He would penetrate her heart so deeply that she will feel, that she will take ownership of her behaviors, of her feelings, of her past, her emotions, her decisions and that He will change her.

I'm not a mountain climber, but one time, many years ago, as a child I climbed a mountain. Well, most of us wouldn't consider it a mountain, but it has "mount" in it's name, so I'm going with it. Mount Baldy in the Black Hills of South Dakota. I was 9 years old and went to a church camp with friends of our family. What I remember is this...all I could see was the path in front of me--I couldn't see the top of the mountain, in no way could I see the other side. We climbed and climbed and climbed...and at 9 years old, I was exhausted, really ready to turn back, but we kept on moving up. When we made it to the top, we could see such beauty...God's marvelous creation below us with the hot sun basking on us.

Right now we are climbing up the mountain...all I'm seeing is what's right in front of my face. We are completely exhausted, ready to turn back, yet knowing if we keep trudging through, we will make it to the top and it will be glorious. As we are enjoying Derek home for one more year--our time seems to be flying by...this added stress to our family is just breaking my heart. We are just telling that mountain to MOVE IT! I don't want to climb anymore, I want off of the path, and I want the mountain gone. I know we are not able to "fix" Selah, nor is that our job, as a friend so kindly pointed out--we are just loving her the best we know how. We do, however, need to keep the rest of our family safe and healthy, so the behavior needs to change. We are unable to fix a heart...yet the same God that has been working on Gracie's literally broken heart is completely able to fix Selah's broken heart...we are placing our faith in the One who created this being and placed her in our arms and in our home. We trust HIM!

Matthew 17:20 He (Jesus) replied , "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

I believe His Word as truth and am claiming His power over Selah's life!

Continually in His grip,

Gayle

OK...I googled Mount Baldy and it's actually Old Baldy, which really isn't that impressive, but hey, for a 9 year-old, it was Everest!

mayo todayo

2009-09-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

Gracie and headed north this morning to meet with her cardiologist. We both had a tough time getting out of bed, but around 9:30 I finally opened her door and grabbed the snuggly bundle. She's been sleeping LOTS! Especially after her weekend--it was one BIG PARTY--football game on Friday night, Big Daddy Weave downtown Charles City Saturday night, and our church's Friend Fest on Sunday--she was pooped! Actually she's been sleeping in most mornings until 9:30-10:00 after going to bed at 7 or so. Sleeping beauty! This does concern us a bit, because she has never been one to require much sleep. I was excited to meet with her doctor and hear the words "She's doing great." I did hear those words today! Gracie, right now, is doing great. Her numbers are fantastic, her weight is up, she's grown an inch--all good stuff. She's pretty blue, but it's expected, the fatigue is normal for her. Her heart has to work so hard...her body just knows when to rest--it's good.

We spoke of Gracie's future today. She will likely have surgery in December or January and it will be a big one, actually it's quite controversial amongst her doctors as to whether this is the best plan of action for her. She could do fine for awhile with no surgery, but it could wear her ventricle out, giving her a short life. The Fontan is an incredible operation for many, many heart babies, but it's not a great option for Gracie, yet likely the best option we have right now. She has many strikes against her. Her cardiologist told me they have a "10 commandments" for the Fontan and her heart and history are not meeting most of the law, so to speak. It could be a rocky road...we know that when life is crazy, is uncertain God is still the ROCK--He's still the same, Gracie's days are still numbered, and He will take her home when He is ready. We hold onto these truths with a tight grip, knowing we are in His mighty grip! I visited with my friend Chris on the way home and told her I have perfect peace--I do, knowing He is real, He is good, and His love for Gracie is uncomparable.

Back to sweet Gracie...she had a blood draw this morning and was so amazing. Usually it takes several pokes and lots of messing around, bringing much anxiety and tears. Today, she walked into the blood draw confidently, hands on her hips and pacifier in her mouth. She hopped on my lap, grabbed the turnacut and wrapped it around her arm, watching intently as the sweet lady stuck a needle in her arm. She made a little peep, then pointed to the toy box, claiming her prize of bubbles. They spilled before we made it out the door...bummer! We had a fabulous time at lunch, then shopped a bit downtown. Soon, you will see her sporting her new Crocs, with--you'll never believe it--Bob and Larry buttons!

We go back on Thursday to meet with the oral surgeon to schedule her tooth removal, then we don't go back until November 9.

Right now, things are good...super good!
I choose to live right now...how about you?
Gayle

the potty princess

2009-08-31T06:21:00.000-07:00

Little Miss Gracie, with a wiggling fist signing to us that she needs to go potty, followed by the sign for chocolate--something is working here! It seems pretty normal, doesn't it? A 2 1/2 year-old who is nearing three at a break-necking pace, ready to potty on the throne rather than in a diaper--normal? It is, unless a little girl has had multiple kidney failures, completely shutting down several times. I would venture to say it's amazing...amazing Gracie! I must clarify a bit...Gracie is nowhere near going out in public without a diaper or pull-up, but she has remained dry at home for a week...A WEEK, including naps. We do find little surprises in her panties :), but not wet ones!

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING CUTER?

School already??

2009-08-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe we are back in the swing of things around here--waaahhhh!!! I miss sleeping in, I miss making waffles at 10:00 am and having to plug the waffle iron back in at noon for those who were really sleeping in! I miss all of the neighbor kids and the noise...it's pretty quiet with just Gracie and me. And did I tell you...she needs a lot of attention?!? BREUKLYN!!! My summer sitter spoiled this little tyke, that's for sure. She wants to play, wants chocolate, wants to play, pottie (because there's chocolate at the end), play, unload the cupboards, play, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!! She's a girl after my heart--she even likes the dark, dark chocolate like her mama!! I do tell her no once in awhile :) And yes, I said pottie...Gracie's doing a fabulous job on her little pink throne!! We had a completely dry day yesterday and today...today, even her nap was dry--wooohoooo!!! She looks so stinkin' cute in those Hello Kitty panties that fall down to her knees when she runs.

Back to school--I think I'm in denial! Derek is a senior...a senior...I can hardly say the word. I cannot get over this one, nor can I picture our home without him. He's fantastic!! He's absolutely loving cross country and I think will be a fun kid to watch this year. His classes are good, his social calendar is full---ahhh, the life of a (can I say it?) senior!

And Connor--a freshman--yeah, two in high school this year! Where does the time go? Connor, too, is loving cross country, especially now that it doesn't hurt so much. He's improving a TON! It's amazing how well he's doing with his knees feeling so much better. I can hardly wait for next week to watch these boys RUN! And Connor is driving...loving it so much that his alarm is going off at 5:45 to make it to driver's ed in the morning.

Breuklyn entered the Middle School this year--I am old. I keep thinking that if adoption had not entered our family, our kids are really pretty grown up this year. Grown up kids means grown-up parents! She's doing great--no sports right now. She's waiting for 7th grade so she can run...I'm not so sure where our kids inherited their love of running---pretty sure it's Curtis. She has two horse shows left this summer. Breuklyn's horse, Kota, has had a lame leg all summer--she's had to ride Curtis's horse instead. It's been fun, but she cannot wait to climb back up on Kota--only 2 more weeks.

Selah loves her teacher in 2nd grade, but is really struggling in many ways. We've had a pretty rough last month of summer with Selah. For her privacy, I don't want to embarrass her or share anything that would in any way humiliate her, but things have been tough. Not only on her, but on our whole family. We had thought things were going so well with Selah's adjustment, and are really discovering that she has hidden lots from us. Much truth is coming out, which is good, yet tough. I always felt as if I had prepared well for adopting an older child...I am well-read, have been in contact with many families, almost assuming we'd hit some tough patches. Yet when rubber meets the road, I'm completely at a loss, as is Curtis. We'd appreciate any prayers, any advice. Selah has had a very, very dark past with lots of heartache and rejection. I look back at the post from just a couple of months ago and see that we were looking at her with rose-colored glasses, not seeing the real Selah at all, but a girl who she has been creating, trying to be. We are now seeing more clearly...this is good. We need this truth in order to move forward---I know many who read this blog pray for our family. That is why I share this with you. Scripture tells us to pray for one another, to let others know when we need prayer. We know God has great plans for each of us, for Selah, and He will not leave us--He's our helper and our healer. I wish I could share more, but cannot.

And Gracie...we go to Mayo next week for a cardiac appointment on Tuesday. Then on Thursday, we will head north once again to see the oral surgeon. Gracie has had an excellent summer, not so much as a cold or runny nose, unless you count the spaghetti and stickers she shoved up her nose, causing much sneezing and snot! She's just so much fun! A few weeks ago, Breuklyn made the comment that our family would be so boring without Gracie--what would we do? Who would we laugh at? She is just funny.

Many blessings,

Gayle

Black Hills or BUST!

2009-07-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

We packed up the "burbon" as Selah calls it and headed west last week. As a girl, the Black Hills was the vacation spot when raised in South Dakota. We would venture out to the Hills quite often and see the sights...Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Custer State Park, and the tourist traps...Wall Drug on the way, the World's only Corn Palace, Reptile Gardens...the list goes on and on. We decided to hit it all...take it all in. The Griswalds take on the Black Hills...well, sort of. Why do things seem smaller when we grow up? Where does the magic go?

I survived on taffy--I kid you not! Curtis grabbed me a few king-sized laffy taffys for the car ride--I also snuck in a couple. Then on day 1 we stopped at the taffy shop in Keystone and picked out all of our favorite flavors--11/2 pounds of taffy and it all ended up in my belly. I seriously couldn't get enough of it! I thought it would make sense to just eat it until I got sick of it--never happened. In fact, I could down a pound right now if it was in front of me. When I got home I hopped on the scale, thinking 11/2 pounds of taffy could only put 11/2 pounds on me--wrong! Maybe I should try some fruit. I started thinking perhaps I had a problem when I found myself hiding the bag between my feet in the front seat so noone else would think of asking for any.

Anyways, life is good. Vacation was fun--filled with memories, lots of special moments. Isn't that what we all remember looking back at our childhoods? Lots of the insignificant funny stuff that just happens when 7 people cram in a vehicle and a hotel room. Good times.

Enjoy your last lazy days of summer!

Gayle

One year ago...

2009-07-10T07:27:00.000-07:00

I was packing my bags, checking the paperwork just one more time, and getting ready to board a plane that would take me halfway around the world so I could bring home our daughter. What a year it has been!! A sweet orphan would be coming home...coming home to an at-times chaotic house, to a daddy, a mommy, and brothers and sisters, even a dog. I look at the photos now and see the fear in her fake smile, see the apprehension in her brave eyes. I realized the fear we had and tried to comprehend the fear she must've carried, but of course couldn't feel the depths of what this little girl could. Our sweet Selah...brave beyond measure, a risk taker with a quiet personality, a little girl who feels deeply, yet continues to fear her future. 71/2 years is a long time to be institutionalized, a long time to be unloved, a long time to develop survival habits that were once necessary, but today not. We are amazed at how one year of a family, of friends, of Jesus can nearly wipe out 71/2 years of heartache. Because of our imperfections, things are not perfect...yet the Lord has filled the gaps...the prayers and support of His people have given this child such a future.

I just want to share my heart a bit...it is full. As I read Ephesians 1, where God gives us this perfect gift of adopting us as His children, I see a parallel with sweet Selah. Know this...I'm not claiming any sort of goodness here at all. We are seriously lost without Jesus, our family would be a mess, and we would've never had the courage or the desire to adopt without Him. In bringing Selah home, it had nothing to do with us...nothing at all, we simply tried our best to obey what God had in store for us. We are completely messed up people with a desire to please Him...that's all.

We received a list of special needs children from China about every 3 months. After adopting Gracie, we hadn't even looked at the lists for several months except to pray for the children. With Gracie's great needs, we had decided to leave our paperwork in China until God told us to take it out. Since Gracie had spent so much time in the hospital and her prognosis was very, very poor, we were quite certain our plate was full and God would certainly not expect us to add to our already busy family. We had emotions riding all over the place. Several times, we had to tell Gracie "good-bye", giving her kisses as we would send her off to yet another surgery. In the back of our minds and in the simplicity of the prayers we could muster, China remained. If you know us, or followed our journey to Gracie, you may remember March 16, 2007, the day we turned off ECMO, Gracie's lifeline, to rock her to heaven. She was given two hours to live and we were told her heart would just stop beating. Well, obviously March 16, 2007 was not the day God had written in His book to take her home! As we spent the next month or so in the hospital, being a part of something so glorious...an obvious great miracle in our generation...we continued to seek out the Lord's desire for "our" China plans. He didn't take it away...someone who remains anonymous generously paid for Gracie's entire adoption! It was the black and white answer we had been looking for! With Gracie's medical needs came months of paying for 2 places to live, much travel...we, in no way, were in a position to foot the bill for 2 adoptions in just one year. He, in His time, in His way revealed His plan, ever so gently, ever so remarkably.

We started to pray over the lists. With each list we requested several children--most of them were between 2 and 4 with minimal needs. We felt rejected each and every time, thinking we had this all figured out. We were trying so hard to be obedient to what God was calling us to do...why is He saying "no" all the time?? Yet, He began to give us such a strong desire for our child. A list came out on Valentine's Day of 08. With this particular list, He slowed us down a bit. Ok...a lot. We prayed fervently over each child, boy or girl, severe need to moderate need, ages 1 to 7. In my mind, I could not wrap my mind around adopting an older child...I had read too much, "educated" myself too much. Not through Scripture necessarily, but books and websites, and other's opinions. Curtis had not. His only adoption advice came through Scripture...that's it. Pure, simple...someone needs a home, give it to him or her, clothe, feed, love, welcome one of these children, ability to do all things through Him, trust Him.

Needless to say, our list was long of the children we were to request. I kept leaving the 7 year-old off, Curtis had her on his heart and I'd put her back on. We knew, if we request the older child, we would likely be matched to her. Many times the older children remain...so often because of the fear of the unknown, because of the fear of what 7 years can do to a person. We needed to put in our request at noon (I can't remember the day). I had an email ready to go...the names of the children typed out, but didn't hit the send button until 11:59, so much fear, so much doubt. Within 24 hours we were matched to He Fubai...the 7 year-old little girl with the sad eyes living in the HeShan City Social Welfare Institute in Guangdong Province. We knew it. Curtis was estatic, I was still unsure. This hesitation lasted until I boarded the plane to bring her home.

Curtis, the dad in the family had a desire for this child. Curtis chose her to give her an inheritance, a worldly one. He desired to give her a family...to be her dad. God works this way...oh, how He desires for us to call Him "Father". He has chosen each one of us to be His child, He has given us an eternal inheritance through His Son. He takes us, orphans, and gives us a family...He calls us His children!! We just need to choose. We can't have it both ways...either we accept His adoption of us into His family or we do not. It's quite simple. Selah could have fought us tooth and nail, yet she has submitted to her daddy, she has come willingly and now excitedly. She calls Curtis "dad" and Curtis calls her daughter. She's one of his princesses, a part of our family so intricately detailed out by the grace of God. Sometimes, like Selah, we are afraid, afraid of how this new life of adoption is going to go. Is it for real? Do I really get a family forever? Am I truly loved? Will I ever have to go back to my old life? Am I really wanted?? A lifetime of pain and heartache, a lifetime of being told she is unworthy, unlovable. Oh, how we love Selah. Oh, how God loves us!! Times a billion!!

Ephesians 1:3-14 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.

Feeling blessed today!
Gayle

2009-07-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

This is what we walked into the other day. Gracie and Selah were playing and praying! Through adoption, these two beautiful girls are learning about the kind and loving God who created them. They are learning to thank Him, to trust Him, to talk to Him...sweet!

Deut. 6:6-7 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Many days we go to bed thinking we have not done all we can, we have not accomplished what we should. Yet, these girls have an opportunity to know Jesus--if that's all we can give them, it's enough. Consider the orphan...the child who may never learn to pray, may never learn that there is One to pray to!

Much, much love,
Gayle

Just horsin' around!

2009-07-07T13:02:00.001-07:00

Breuklyn participated in her first horse show with her own horse last week--WOW! She has worked so hard and is such a great little rider. Her horse, however, is not used to competing or being around other horses and people...he was naughty! Oh, so naughty. He bucked and reared and wouldn't cooperate for anything. By the last event people were just cheering as Breuklyn and La-Kota finished well. We are looking forward to many more shows and knowing that things can only get better :) !! Breuklyn's comment a couple of days ago was this... "These horses are teaching me to not be so competetive, but rather to love them as they are." Insightful, huh? I think, as parents, we should be hanging this little quote on our fridge. Out of the mouth of Breuklyn...

Potential?? Perhaps! (It's a stick horse...if you couldn't tell!)

4th of July fun!

2009-07-07T12:35:00.001-07:00

Freedom was written across Gracie and Selah's shirts on Saturday. I think I have taken this word for granted while celebrating in past years. One year ago, our sweet Selah was not living in freedom--she was bound tightly in an orphanage, in a country where the freedoms we casually dismiss don't exist. The likelyhood of Selah hearing about the love of Christ in her old life is quite small. To see her free smile, knowing that she knows she can choose the life she desires...it makes my heart jump for joy. Her life in the past year has changed so much...she has went from orphan to princess and is tasting freedom! How sweet is that!

Oh yeah--and Connor's team won the little league championships!

And Derek came in 2nd place in the firecracker run with no photo!

Bloggy friends!

2009-07-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

Seriously, when we started Gracie's Journey to Me journal three years ago, it was for the sole purpose of keeping family and friends updated without needing to make a gzillion phone calls. I had no idea that God would use that journal to bring friends alongside us, to bless us so abundantly with others who have a heart for adoption. I must admit, I have about five blogs I check daily...not only do I read these blogs, I pray for these families, and email back and forth a bit. Last week, I was blessed...oh, so blessed...to meet two families in person and "hug their necks" as Linny would say. First of all, on Monday, I drove down to Iowa City to meet Linn, Dw, Isaiah, and Liberty. Going to Iowa City to have this incredible surgery done on Isaiah's legs, only to land Dw in the hospital with a serious liver disease. They are now home in Colorado, but Dw is still feeling crummy. Linn and I hit it off beautifully! I knew we would...we have this relationship built on something so much bigger than blogs...our relationship has been built on prayer, we share a heart for the orphan and more importantly, a heart for Jesus. We ate lunch together with Dw and the kids, then ventured off to shop, even purchasing matching shirts for our next get-together. I'm thinking a trip to Colorado is in our future!!!

Then on Thursday, my friend Jean, from Minnesota, was traveling to Iowa City to see her daughter and we met at the local park. It was sweet! We had to cram 20 hours of talking into one...you can just about imagine! Most definitely we will be meeting up with Jean, her husband, and children soon. Our husbands hit it off quite well also--we had a great time--it was just too short. This sweet family has such a heart for adoption. After raising several children, they are not content with the two girls they have already adopted from China, but rather continue on bringing home as many children as God places in their hearts and in their arms. I'm inspired!

Phil. 2:1-4 If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Like-minded--exactly! Fun to meet my new friends in person, share some sweet conversation, some sweet hugs!

Gayle

pray for my friends

2009-07-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

Many of you follow A Place Called Simplicity. The Saunders need our prayers. Sweet Isaiah has been in Iowa City having surgery to correct his legs. While there, Dw has been diagnosed with Hepatitis and is feeling horrible. They are overwhelmed, to say the least. Tired, away from home, sick, family split apart--it's just a lot. Join our family lifting this precious family to the Lord!

Thanks for praying,
Gayle

MEXICO!

2009-07-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

I'm in love!! Many, many children captured my heart over the past week. While in Mexico, we served at a special needs orphanage, called the Gabriel House. 38 children with varying special needs call this place home. What I was expecting was sadness, blank faces...instead we were greeted with huge smiles and left the same way. As I couldn't help compare this bright, loving orphanage to Selah's dark, cold one, it is evident the difference. This orphanage proclaims Christ as Lord...Selah's does not. Jesus is spoken freely, praying is a part of life at the Gabriel House. Many of these children are orphans, meaning they have no parents. Many of the children do have parents who come and love on them, but are unable to care for them. Mexico is quite different than the States...the government does not aid the families. Many families cannot afford medical care, afford taking the time off from work to care for a child. I cannot imagine the grief that goes along with dropping off a child because of circumstance. I'm convinced MOST children are loved deeply by their parents...they have just run out of options. The children at the Gabriel House have captured my heart and the hearts of our boys, that's for sure.

The boys, along with the men in our group built an addition to the Gabriel House that will eventually house the boys residing there. They did a phenomenal job--the building looks fantastic. It was fun to watch them serve, to pray over everything, to watch God fit everything together...amazing! My heart was also rejoicing when watching our young men and women love on these kids without hesitation. Pure love. It was difficult to leave. Instead of wanting the day of work to end, each young person would decide to stay longer, to work longer, to love longer. Showers could wait, dinner could wait, yet the relationships couldn't. Sweet stuff.

Since returning home, I have a shadow! It's about 30 inches tall and 22 pounds, with a loud, demanding voice. Right now, blogging is not on her mind, but playing and singing with Bob the Tomato and Mom. I better run!

I'll write more later about my meeting with my friend Linny from A Place Called Simplicity. Oh, my did we have fun! Continue to pray for her sweet Isaiah who is recovering nicely from his leg surgery.

Much love,

Gayle

Mexico, here we come!

2009-06-19T04:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, bright and early, a team of 20 from our church, including Derek, Connor, and myself, will be heading to Ensenada, Mexico for one week. We are super excited! So excited that I was up at 5:30 this morning just giddy. Three years ago Derek and I had this opportunity and tomorrow we get to return with Connor. What a blessing to serve Jesus with my children! We will be spending much of our time at the Gabriel House, which is a special needs orphanage. While watching a video in church on Sunday, I peeked over at Selah, who had silent tears falling down her cheeks. She asked me if these children had parents...evidently it sparked some memories for her. Selah spent 71/2 years in a special needs orphanage in China--she is now talking of the many children who remain, the unseen. When she and I visited her old home, the "big people" were very secretive, really protective of what was going on behind closed doors. Day by day, we are getting answers and the answers are breaking our hearts. So, so many children, unseen by many of us yet completely in the eye of the Lord. He is watching them...He is watching us. I'm convinced He is watching what we are doing for one another...this stirs my heart this morning. Here in the land of plenty, in the land of freedom, never wondering where my next meal is coming from...how do I not break and grieve for the many who are hungry, for the many who are unseen? I am praying today that God will break our hearts as we travel to Ensenada, that He will penetrate them so deeply that we will see these precious, precious children through His eyes, that we will love them with the love of Christ, that we will be His hands and feet, and most importantly, that we will not forget. I pray this for myself, for Derek and Connor, and for my 17 friends that will be traveling alongside us.

My bag is packed--today I will be prodding my boys a little more than yesterday. Today I will also be spending some sweet time with my girls, knowing that I will be missing them dearly starting tomorrow. And Curtis...what a man! I'm so grateful that he allows me these opportunities, never griping about what his life is going to be like the next week with a couple of high maintenance missies, a cowgirl, a ball team that still needs coaching, cooking, oh yeah--and a job. I'm blessed! And I know it.

Have a beautiful week!
Love,
Gayle

It's summer!

2009-06-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

Although the thermometer isn't showing it, we are certainly feeling it. How I love the late mornings, the laughter, just having all of the kids home. Tonight is extra sweet because we have a whole crew of teenagers in our basement giggling like kindergartners. I'm not quite sure what is going on, but according to the volume of laughter, it's quite good.

Curtis and I had a fabulous time in New York, so fabulous that we didn't want to leave. Seriously. Pre-Gracie, we took lots of vacations and had lots of weekends with just the two of us. Each time, when it was time to go, I cried. Sometimes, as couples with several children, we forget that we are a couple first. We have done this these past months with a calendar full of games, meets, concerts, lessons...all good things, but very little time to just be together, just with the two of us. We were so excited to be in New York, but seriously, we could have been 30 miles away in Mason City and had just as much fun...we just needed some time alone together.

And the kids...well no need to worry. Our dear friends...amazingly generous, fantastic friends had this family completely under control. Gracie did great, Selah has a new best friend, Derek and Connor got to "hang" with two of their best friends, and Breuklyn, let's just say she introduced Dean and Sara to life "at the ranch". It was good. We are so blessed to have them, and host of friends, who love our children as we do...and to know that we love theirs as well. I always tell our kids, "if you have one true friend, you have a treasure.". Well, we've been blessed abundantly with many, many treasures!!

Gracie is feeling terrific. She is as spunky as ever, active as any other two-year-old, eating well...just doing great. All of our kids made it to the next grade level--whew! No really, we couldn't be prouder. They all have inherited Curtis's smarts, I believe. Every time I get on someone about a class or a grade, I remember my own report card--oh my, they have passed me up well. At least Curtis can set the bar quite a bit higher!! Even sweet Selah...reading at grade level and excelling at math...a little girl who couldn't speak a word of English 10 months ago, didn't know her alphabet, had never drawn a picture of a person, or held onto a crayon, we are amazed! Her sweet teacher sent a picture of Selah the last day of school and the first. Coincidentally, she was wearing the same shirt. I will try to post those later...the difference is unbelievable! Oh, my she has changed...from this fearful, blank little girl, to a confident, happy, beaming child. I think of Psalm 30...He turned my mourning into dancing, He removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. You see, we couldn't do that for her...only the God who created her could change her heart. It is a process and we are still smack dab in the middle of it, but it is amazing...truly amazing!

Baseball season is going great for Connor. He's hit a couple of balls right on over the fence...how fun is that! Derek is lifeguarding at the city pool this summer, running many miles, and spending LOTS of time with his friends. Breuklyn is a cowgirl! Right now the ferrier is here. I'm a little proud of myself for even knowing what that is. She rides daily and spends hours just loving on those beasts. Life is good...summer is sweet.

Enjoy!

Love,

Gayle

Off to the Big Apple!

2009-05-28T07:02:00.000-07:00

My big hunk-of-a-man surprised me with a weekend in New York for my birthday...how fun is that! Not only did he bless me, but our friends are keeping all five of our kids...now that's a gift! I am super excited to have three days of just grown-up stuff. We are going to 2 shows, eating lots of great food, and just being together as a couple. We both noticed these past few weeks at graduation parties that we have learned, once again, to chow fast. Life with a 2 year-old changes everything! I can't wait for a marathon 3 hour dinner with conversation, and not having to cut anyone's food into small bites. We can sleep until we wake up, not "throw in a load", walk slowly, even shop at a store other than Gymboree...sounds dreamy, doesn't it?

I need to get a packin'!

Have a fantastic weekend--we will!

Love,

Gayle

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

I am blessed!! Not only have I been blessed over and over and over and over and over again with five beautiful children to raise, I have the most amazing husband in the world. Mother's Day ROCKS...seriously. Not only did I get spoiled today, but also turned the big 4-0 this week and have been spoiled doubly. Truth be told...Curtis is actually the same on Mother's Day as the other 364 days of the year--he is so helpful around here, he is the greatest father to our kids, he showers me with kindness and good things each and every day...not just the second Sunday in May, but those other days that are just ordinary. He makes my life extraordinary!!

While I started this post a week ago, I'm finally getting back to it right now! I'm not sure how all of you bloggers can update so well and so often...seriously, I'm impressed. I check my email and my favorite blogs...add in a little facebook...by that time someone needs something or I need sleep!!

Curtis is popping some popcorn, we are closing our door, and having a little movie night at home!

See ya!

Gayle

Not what we hoped for...

2009-05-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

yet knowing where our hope lies! Gracie's cath lab experience today...still not sure what to call it! It wasn't bad...she's doing well, recovered beautifully and we are HOME already. Yet, not good, because they couldn't really DO anything while in her arteries. The pulmonary arteries going to her left lung (which is the good lung--much larger than the right) are still really small and small all the way through, preventing the doctor from placing any sort of stent or balloon to stretch them out. When the cardiologist gave me the info, I didn't take it as devastating, however, just as it is...it is Gracie's heart, which doesn't have a regular solution. God designed it pretty fancily, I must say!

Our regular cardiologist called right before we checked out and told us the artery has grown a bit since her last cath lab, which is encouraging. The question remains as to whether or not she can have the Fontan. It appears as if there aren't a lot of other options, yet it may not be a perfect fit for her heart. We must continue to trust God as the creator of her body, knowing His plan is good. We continue to be along for the ride!

Since no stents or balloons were used, Gracie was discharged just in time for us to speed on into Derek's track meet and watch him cross the finish line with his new personal best--yippee! It's so great to be home...we are all headed down to play Rock Band before this old lady hops in bed!

Exhausted, yet grateful,
Gayle

in the cath lab

2009-05-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

Giggly little Gracie is now in the hands of the A TEAM, as they called themselves this morning! She will be just fine. They gave her some medicine this morning that completely gave her the giggles...she was belly laughing at everything, including this cute little drawing of a farmer that she kept calling "daddy". I took a pic with my phone, but can't get it on here...it really resembles Curtis, with the missing teeth, the big yellow cowboy hat, the round belly with overalls, but especially the sideways boots--can you just picture it??

The procedure may take most of the morning, even into the afternoon depending on what they need to do. They may place stents, they may not, they may insert a balloon, may not. We shall see! As much as these little hospital stays are dreaded, once we get in here, we have so many friends, so many people who really have invested much time and energy, even prayer, into our daughter's life. We are so blessed to be in this facility, with the team who cares for her who has her very best interest at heart.

It takes a little surgery to get me some time alone, so I'm going to go and grab myself a cup of joe and a book and take advantage of these next few hours!

I'll update when Gracie is back in the room...have a wonderful day!
Love,
Gayle

fabulous weekend

2009-05-04T04:13:00.000-07:00

We had an incredible time with my mom and her new husband this past weekend. They really did grandparent duty and witnessed a fabulous track meet, an energetic soccer double header, and some pretty exciting baseball in fantastic weather. All of our kids are involved in different sports right now, which is pretty sweet. Ron even braved the horses and went riding with Breuklyn on Saturday afternoon right before the Kentucky Derby was aired.

Gracie had the best couple of days of her past month--she had quite the appetite, mostly for junk food, but hey, it's calories and she needs those! She also had a lot of energy and is completely smitten with Ron and Grandma...actually she wouldn't leave Ron alone! She was snuggling with him and even allowed me to bring the girls to Sunday School without her...if you know Gracie personally, she doesn't stay with anyone very well--it's quite a compliment, Ron!

Today we venture north for a day filled with appointments, getting ready to send Gracie back to the cath lab to place some stents in her pulmonary artery tomorrow. I'm actually pretty excited to see pink lips again...hopefully this will do the trick. I believe we will need to be in Rochester tomorrow morning at 6am. It usually takes quite some time to do this procedure because it's tough to get access to her vascular system. I will have my laptop with me and will update this blog as I hear anything.

Thank you for your prayers for our sweet little girl!

Love,

Gayle

SNOWBALLS??

2009-04-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

"Why does God throw snowballs at us?" asked Selah last Friday night. She had just witnessed her first ever golfball sized hail dropping from the sky. This child moved to Iowa...the land of crazy weather...ice from the sky on a warm day? What in the world is that all about? We explained to her that it was hail and sometimes that comes during a storm, even in the summer when it is hot. She was completely confused and asked then, "Did God throw the snowballs down on us?" "Why does He do that?" Good questions, Selah! Anyways it got me thinking...actually I'm still thinking on this one. We talked of the Old Testament story of God throwing hail on the bad guys, yet not on His children, even though they were in battle together. God can throw snowballs whenever He wants on whoever He wants. I asked Selah, "Did you get hit by a snowball?" She said "no, that would hurt." We talked of how God protects us, He loves us, and wants good things for us. In my own mind, I started thinking of Gracie--why the snowballs on her? I don't have any answers for that one...He loves her...I know that, yet she has to endure so much pain and is such an innocent little being, as are the sick children all over the world. And Selah...could she be wondering why the snowballs seemingly were thrown on her for seven years?

I'm starting learn, it's all a picture of redemption...we live in a fallen world with lots and lots of junk, yet God, in His greatness, His kindness, gives us heaven--this perfect, wonderful paradise with likely no snowballs (at least the ice kind anyways)!

Lots of stuff...so little time!

2009-04-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

I have been super neglectful of this blog! The past few weeks have been so full, each night when everyone is in their rooms, I crash. Gracie hasn't been feeling the greatest...she's quite clingy, sometimes very blue, out of breath, just not herself. Other than that, things have been very good around here, albeit BUSY! Since April 10 (the last entry) Connor has turned 14, he has also put the little white ball in the tiny hole in the ground hundreds of times, played some baseball, and spent a day in the high school. Derek has ran at least 100 miles, place several times in track meets, earning a 2nd in the mile at the Charles City track meet last week, he has also attended his first prom, rode in his first limo, and probably kissed Gracie's cheeks 1000 times. Breuklyn has been a riding cowgirl, putting lots and lots of miles on our once overweight, now quite slim and strong horses, she has spent a day in middle school, and dabbled a bit in soccer. Selah has joined the upscale, impressive 100 word group (she can read 100 words per minute--woohoo!), rode a horse by herself, been to her first birthday party without Mom, and smiled at least 1000 times. Gracie has received her first tricycle, she has slid down her first slide all by herself, has been in the saddle on top of a really big horse, has given many kisses and caused much eruptive laughter around here. Yeah, life has been good.

First of all, Connor turned 14--where does the time go? He's an amazing kid, or should I say young man...how blessed we are to raise him! We asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday and he said Mall of America. Gracie was not doing all that well, but we decided she could be in her stroller and hotel room as easily as home, so we ventured north a couple of hours and spent the day at MOA. Then we checked into the Radisson, which is home of the Mall of America Waterpark and spent the night and the next day surfing (Minnesota style, that is), sliding, and just having a great time with our family. This happened to be Easter Sunday, which was OK--we were planning on heading to my mom and Ron's, but Ron was not feeling great either. We didn't think we should mix up Ron and Gracie--if Gracie was contagious, Ron didn't need her around and Gracie needed to be germ free as well. We also knew we couldn't bring Gracie to church, so our family would be separated, so this was our way of spending Easter! One of us took the kids to the waterpark while one of us shopped. I was first for shopping and realized very quickly that all was closed! All except IKEA...so Gracie and I had our Easter breakfast 99 cents at IKEA and shopped for four hours, then switched off with Curtis, who found Sports Authority and Home Depot were open. Poor Gracie! The kids had a fabulous time...we had a fabulous time!

Track has been a blast! Derek is a golfer, always has been his favorite sport and he is quite good at it. We were shocked when he decided to dabble in track this year. He made an excellent choice and is doing quite well in the mile. It is so hard to believe he's going to be a senior next year! He had a good time at prom with his friends, again, it's just so hard to believe he is finishing his junior year. We are so proud of the choices he has made and continue to makes!

Breuklyn is riding like crazy and teaching this big boys who is boss! I cannot believe how these thousand pound beasts respond to this 70 pound little girl. She amazes me! Now that it is getting nice out, we are having a great time watching her. Thursday, I think Curtis was about ready to lose it, however. The horses got out! At one point, he had one horse tied up to the Suburban, was chasing the other in his boots. You have to remember, we are in a residential development with the horses on the other end--after this week, we are probably not the favorite neighbors! I love the picture, however...it just makes me smile. Anything for his family...that's Curtis.

Selah is doing well, just loving life. I spent a couple of days with friends this past week and Selah told me when I first saw her that she told God to keep me safe. She said she had a dream of her and I safe together. Her family is all that matters to her--she really teaches us lots. Most of you think we have had the dream adoption with her and that is true to an extent. She is doing incredibly well, but has a deep rooted past with horrific experiences which have taught her to lie to survive, her past has taught her to put on a smile and just be the person others want her to be. At times we aren't sure we know the "real" Selah, because she can shut off so easily, she can adapt so well. I use this blog to share our adventure, but also as a journal for myself...lastly I know several who read this have adopted or are currently in process of adopting an older child. As this experience has been phenomenal, it has also been quite challenging. Instead of a perfect, sinless infant, a child with 7 years of heartache has entered our family. We thank God for her all the time, yet we also ask God how to love her best, we need His guidance with her every step of the way--we so don't want to blow it! She is teaching us to be dependent on Him for everything--we simply have no clue how to parent without Him!

And Gracie...she is getting bluer by the day. This is such a bummer for us--we were so hopeful of some extended health for her. She had been doing so well, then like a switch, things have changed for her. How much can her little heart take? We are concerned, yet we know God is the same today as yesterday and we trust Him with her life. She will go back to the cath lab next week and they will place some stents. We also are going to meet with her surgeon, hopefully for some sort of plan. Even though she is quite blue and has very little stamina, she is still Gracie. She is still getting into all sorts of things--she empties drawers like a pro, paints with pudding, throws a few temper tantrums. She still makes this family all gather into a room just to watch her dance and act silly. We just adore her! Right now she is snuggled up on my lap with her trail mix, really wanting me off of this computer so we can dance to Veggie Tales...I just may comply!

Have a wonderful day!

Gayle

a bit of the same

2009-04-10T06:20:00.001-07:00

While Selah is back to school and doing well, Gracie's cough has only gotten worse. She was coughing LOTS last night and woke up yesterday in her bed full of puke. We are a bit concerned and will likely be taking her back to the doctor today unless, of course, she wakes up feeling great. Prior to her last surgery, Gracie had been throwing up a lot...it does seem to follow what her heart is doing. Bummer. We were hoping it was just a bug, but are pretty sure Selah's episode was more of a nervous thing.

Gracie is still giving lots of kisses (snot-filled), she's making us all smile with her cute little voice trying so hard to make words, she has went potty on the toilet quite a few times the past couple of days...she just amazes me over and over again. I really need to take a picture of her going potty to share that cuteness. She is the tiniest little thing ever on that great big throne...seriously, she could drown if she fell in. Her little face just lights up thinking she has accomplished great things...adorable. This is one of the areas that frustrated me most in parenting. I had this thing that I wanted my kids potty-trained at 2...failure as a mother if I didn't. Two of my kids were easy, but one was tough. That child would have accidents, would be frustrated, I would be frustrated...that child simply wasn't ready and I made a big ole deal about nothing!! I so wish I could have a do-over with my older three kids--I would not sweat the small stuff. With Gracie, I SERIOUSLY DON'T CARE IF SHE IS IN DIAPERS FOR A LONG, LONG TIME!!! It's all a matter of perspective...God has placed this being into my life to rip away some of the things that took me over before. I see it over and over again in how I learning to react to situations. Even though I have messed up over and over again, and am continuing to do so, my expectations and priorities have most definitely changed. I thank God for Gracie, I thank God for changing me, for forgiving me, for grace.

I better run...my baby just woke up!
Gayle

seriously!!

2009-04-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

I just returned home from the doctor with Gracie and picked up Selah on the way home. She threw up in school today--sort of reinforces the fact that Gracie's vomiting is a bug. Gracie's tummy feels better momentarily...that is, until the Augmentin kicks in. She is now coughing and sometimes struggling to get her breath. The doctor said her lungs sound pretty good (PTL!), but he felt she should be on a stronger antibiotic so the goop doesn't go south. Those are my words, not our intelligent doctor's words--don't worry! Of course, while seeing him, she didn't cough once and actually looked pretty pink. That was until we hit the road! She had a major coughing fit and actually turned quite blue on the way home--life with Gracie is never dull...rather quite colorful! (I'm a bit tired and think everything is really funny right now)

Right now, two little princesses are sleeping and I'm off to plan a lesson for youth group tonight!

Gayle

much better!

2009-04-07T06:33:00.001-07:00

Gracie woke up this morning shouting "mama" at the top of her lungs. She feels much better, is drinking some Fuze right now, helping me type. Thank you for praying. We are pretty certain she has a virus...it just gets really ugly with her. It's tough, in parenting a child who has a health issue such as Gracie, to know when to move forward, to know when to let things ride out themselves. If our other children had been throwing up, clingy, and miserable, we would have just assumed they had a bug, with Gracie, who is so blue...it's just scary. It's all scary.

I am going to call her cardiologist in a few minutes, just to let him know of her color changes. I'll keep you posted!!

Thank you for your prayers, for your love!! We are blessed!
Gayle

days like this...

2009-04-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a long one, that's for sure! We woke up to Gracie's crib full of a foul-smelling, nasty looking vomit haven. Oh my. We've had a rough day--Gracie has been super blue, completely clingy, wimpery, crabby. Oh wait...maybe it's me who has been wimpery and crabby...nope, it's both of us. She's not feeling well at all. We are so hoping it's a virus, but even so, it's not good for her little body. I need to call the doctor in the morning and see what's going on. To be perfectly honest, I'm finding myself in a bit of denial here--I don't want my baby sick!!!

I keep typing, I keep deleting tonight. My mind is full, my heart is breaking...when Gracie is sick, we are always confronting the what ifs. I'm scared to bring her to the doctor for fear she will have to stay in the hospital, meaning I can't go to the track meet tomorrow, and Connor's birthday is coming up on Saturday...I love his birthday! I love making his day so special--Gracie can't get sick for that--it's inconvenient, isn't it? My mind is spinning...I know, in my heart, with everything I claim and everything I believe that God is orchestrating everything and He is working out all things for good. He promises me that--I can rest in that. Tonight at Bible study, Beth Moore talks of thanking Him for what He's going to do...my mind, of course, is drawn to Gracie tonight--I'm praising Him for His miracles in her life so far, I'm praising Him for what He's going to do...then I walk in the door and check on Gracie. She again is lying in her own vomit...NOT NOW! My heart knows, my heart believes, my heart trusts...yet I can't wrap my mind around all of this. I'm tired.

Tomorrow morning I will call Gracie's cardiologist. My guess is he'll want me to bring her to our local doctor and have some bloodwork done. Of course, that's only a guess and I'm wrong many, many times. Perhaps she'll wake up feeling better and it is just a virus running its course--we'll see. She really hasn't been this blue for quite some time--it's comparable to November and December before her last surgery, so I think her heart is stressed out somewhat.

This morning as I was checking my emails, and OK, I'll admit it, Facebooking a bit, Gracie was hammering on the keyboard on my lap. She wanted down and lied across my feet on the floor. Within seconds she was snoozing so sweetly. The rest of the day we snuggled. That is the only benefit to Gracie's day--she snuggled with me all day. Curtis came home for lunch...I hadn't done one thing (well, the endless laundry, but that doesn't count), he came home after work, my story was the same--I snuggled all day in my pjs and she in hers. I do cherish the sweet breath on my neck, the fingers on my arms and face. She's very much 2 and never sits still, but today...

Psalm 59:16-17 But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God.

Trusting and believing He is doing magnificent things...TODAY!

Gayle

Seriously...I'm the worst blogger ever...I throw in random photos everywhere--Selah lost her first tooth in America--I love Connor in a stocking cap...lots of kisses from Gracie last night...

Here we go again...

2009-03-31T06:05:00.000-07:00

For the past 10 days or so, we have watched Gracie turn colors once again. She's pretty blue most of the time, she's throwing up again, she's really clingy to Mom. We had three full months of excellent health, then all of sudden, while we were in Florida actually, she began to turn blue. At first we thought, perhaps she's just not getting enough sleep, maybe it's the climate...talking ourselves into all of these other great options.

This is a tough one to watch, a tough one to swallow. It is taking us a bit by surprise, yet we know it is not taking God by surprise. I don't think any doctor who follows her case is going to be taken by surprise either. Why, oh why, oh why?? When Gracie was still in St. Louis as a young infant, several doctors actually tried to talk us out of adopting her...can you even imagine?? I can't wrap my mind around this because Gracie is our daughter through and through, yet I know they watched us, feeling as if they had to let us know what her life would be like. In reality, they knew nothing. God has revealed an amazing, obvious miracle to us through her, we wouldn't change a day of her sweet little life so far. What I'm getting at is this...Gracie has a very serious heart disease which is and is going to be a constant battle. We enjoyed a little reprieve, praise God for that, but we must continue to trust the ONE who created this being and placed her in our arms.

It's odd because when we go into the uncertainty of what's next for Gracie, it is when my life is seriously most peaceful. I am quiet before the Lord, I know He has us in His grip, I know He knows Gracie's days and His desire for our family is for good. He is good. Many, many days, especially when Gracie was very little, I wanted to watch Him be big. I wanted to witness the miraculous, I wanted her healed perfectly. Although I still desire those things because I love her so much, I really just want to know Him better...I want Him to invade our family...I want us all to trust Him with not only Gracie's life, but with all of our lives.

I don't want anyone to freak out. Gracie is blue, but she's been here before. We're just starting the ride again...she's not in any state of emergency, just in a downward trend. On May 4, we have a long day at Mayo with tests and visits with her cardiologist and cardiac-thorasic surgeon. Then on the 5th, she will have some stents placed in her pulmonary artery. Because of this scheduling long ago, my guess is the doctors already knew this was going to happen. Then we will talk about what is next.

Children with hypoplastic left or right hearts typically have a procedure done called the fontan, which is the third in a series of three surgeries. Gracie has now had the first two typical surgeries--a BT shunt and the Glenn shunt. Now they will decide if she will be a candidate for the fontan. She does have a hypoplastic heart (we don't know which one...not everyone is in agreement because of her heterotaxy syndrome, her organs are all misplaced), but because of her other defects, the fontan may not be an option, it may not be a good option. For heterotaxy patients, it has had some success, but definitely hasn't worked out for many. This is where we just allow the doctors to be the doctors and we are Gracie's parents. I found out early on that I read way too much! For the past year or so, I have completely stopped reading about these things because, for one thing, I am not that smart. And another, Gracie's doctors are amazingly smart! God has given them much, much wisdom and completely has guided their hands...He's the One who is control, the author of her book!

I will try to take some pictures today of Gracie. She's beautiful...blue and all! Her favorite song is still "I'm so blue..." by Madame Blueberry (VeggieTales). If I could figure out how to put a video on here, you would all be blessed to hear her rendition...right, Sara?? Maybe my techie sons could help me...hmmm.

All else is well around here. We spent the weekend in Des Moines because Curtis had a conference there. I never think of our family as being a large one...UNTIL we go our for dinner or shopping!! Five kids shopping for 7 hours--yikes! Actually four of our kids are super easy and lots of fun to shop with. Then we have Gracie. Oh my!!

Have a wonderful day!!
Love,
Gayle

Home sweet home!

2009-03-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

One movie theater size box of Hot Tamales, one king-size package of all red Starbursts, 3...yeah 3 king size Strawberry Tangy Taffys, 2 packages (1,000,000) sunflower seeds, french fries, onion rings, burger, chicken sandwich, 2 Diet Cokes, 4 waters = 21 hours in the car! I love traveling, love driving...I just cannot be a truck driver because I would be humungous! I drive, therefore I eat...and eat...then eat some more. Why does my mouth always have to be moving??? If I'm not talking, I'm eating...one of the breakthroughs I realized on our drive home.

Our vacation was perfect...almost perfect. We did have one pretty serious episode with one of our children in which our loving, embracing God intervened and rescued this child. I want to protect the privacy of my children, especially when one of them mentions, "you aren't putting this on the blog, are you?", but I also want the world to know that God is still performing miracles, He is still healing, He is still rescuing, and He still desires our lives are good and abundant. We had a brush with death this past week--it still leaves me shivering and full of tears as I even think of what I could be doing today...YET GOD RESCUED MY CHILD! I praise Him! I cannot get this picture out of my mind...He has yet left another fingerprint on our family...we have witnessed Him so lovingly and so mightily once again. I have NO DOUBT in my mind...I have evidence that is proclaiming His goodness. How I want to share the details...but cannot.

We celebrated Derek's 17th birthday on the 18th...what a beautiful journey this young man is taking us on. He is a joy!! A complete joy!! I know...we all think our kids are the greatest (but mine really is), we all see their potential, their gifts. Since it's his birthday and all, I feel quite OK bragging on him a bit. He is loving and kind, smart and creative. He has such a gentleness to him, yet a competetive spirit that will ensure success. Mostly, he is following hard after Jesus, which is not always an easy task in this world. We are so proud of the choices he makes and look forward to watching what he is going to do with the rest of his life--we know he can do whatever he desires because the ONE in whom Derek places his trust in is the giver of Derek's desires. Psalm 37:4 I love March 18 because it is the day Curtis and I entered into this life of parenthood!!

Selah is thrilled to be home...completely thrilled. When she first noticed we were pulling into our neighborhood, she howled LOUDLY! When we ask her what her favorite part of Florida was, she replies, "being with my whole family". That's all she has wanted...a family...that's it. Her dream has come true and she cannot understand why we would leave home to go anywhere else--she is living her dream. What fun to be a part of something so incredible. I so wish anyone considering adoption, especially adoption of an older child, to hear this little girl's prayers. It goes like this...
"Dear God, thank you for family. Thank you for my whole family, Mommy, Daddy, Derek, Connor, Breuklyn, Selah, Gracie, Molly, Kota, Red, the barn cats. Thank you, God, for making Gracie's owies better. Thank you for meat, thank you for jumping on the trampoline, thank you for Daddy giving piggy back rides, thank you for Mrs, Boggess and Mrs. Henniger, thank you, God for church, for friends. I no like the wind. It scare me. Gracie really naughty. She scream, she throw things, she messy." It really goes on and on and lists everything we do all day long...then she peeks to see if Curtis and I have our eyes closed and says "Amen.". Tonight, I had to bury my face in the mattress because I was laughing out loud when she started tattling on Gracie to God. I know it must bring Him great joy to hear her sweet prayers. Maybe He'll work on Gracie's behavior???

Gracie is seriously 20 pounds of complete cuteness! We are just eating her up...it could explain the behaviors! She cannot speak, but totally makes up for it in expression. The faces this child makes are so stinkin' cute!!

I don't think any of the kids are quite ready to go back to school. We would've all loved to stay in Florida for a couple more weeks...Curtis said that is not an option...bummer. I am really excited for Derek's first track meet on Tuesday--how fun! Tomorrow Breuklyn and I have a little date with our friends from horseback--we can't wait. Connor has been out golfing twice since we arrived home yesterday--I'm pretty sure that's where we'll find him every day after school. Life is good.

Love,
Gayle

So far, so amazing!

2009-03-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

Our first few days of spring break have been amazing...oh, so fun! We arrived in Orlando just 22 hours after exiting our driveway...that has to be a record! We drove through the night and the kids did great. Gracie is an amazing little traveler! She didn't sleep much, but Bob and Larry kept us all entertained for probably 16 of the 22 hours! I took the night shift...one would think that would be a quiet time to drive--not so much! Gracie stayed up with me until 2:00 am. This is the child who is in bed sleeping by 7 each night. Derek and Connor were night owls with me as well. Curtis and Selah snoozed! Selah nods off on the way to school in the morning--there is something about motion and sleep with her.

We spent Friday afternoon and all of Saturday just enjoying this beautiful house we are renting. It has a fantastic pool area and lots of space--it's really quite nice. Then on Sunday we ventured out to Discovery Cove, where Curtis and the three older kids swam with the dolphins. We also snorkeled and played with stingrays. Discovery Cove has an incredible Aviary. Someone told us to go there first...I'm not a bird lover, so I'm thinking it would be kind of boring...NOT AT ALL! The birds captured our kids, all of them but Gracie. She was freaked out, completely freaked out!

Then today we went to Clearwater Beach and enjoyed the waves and the sand. The older three kids and I went parasailing...that was quite a ride!

Today is the day two years ago that we said "good-bye" to our sweet little Gracie. To think she's the little one on the beach searching for shells and showing every stranger, to watch her giggling when the waves climbed up her belly, to be on the receiving end of her perfect little smooches...we have been given such a gift, such an amazing miracle. If you haven't ever read Gracie's story, check out journeytome.com and look under the public stories of journey to gracie yan and he fubai. The month of March 2007 was a time in which we, as a family watched God work so obviously and mightily...we are reminded of this each day, each morning as we greet Gracie for the day. He still heals, He still is performing miracles...our God is mighty! I continue to be amazed! Today we talked of our trip to Florida last year--at 16 months, Gracie wasn't mobile, she was still very much a baby. This year, Gracie is 2, every bit 2! She was a pill at the restaurant, she was entertaining on the beach, she ate sand...not once, but twice, she has the most adorable little body, the most kissable toes--we are amazed!

Selah isn't sure what to think about vacation. She was super excited to go to "Forilda", but when we arrived seemed a bit nervous. She asked if we were going back to Mommy's house and yesterday when I woke her up for Discovery Cove, she asked if it was time to go home. Today is better. She is afraid of everything here, completely out of her comfort zone, yet trusting us, holding tightly to us, knowing we will take care of her. She is still safe...just unsure of what's next. We get so excited for something different. Selah has found out home is a pretty great place to be...why leave?

We are really seeing how our lives have changed these past few years. Our older three kids are awesome vacationers! They love to just relax, they love touring things, easy to entertain. Often times, Curtis and I are seeing it is the two of us with Selah and Gracie and the other three are off on an adventure. How simple, how fun would all of these adventures be...but then we see those huge dimples on Gracie's face, we see the light in Selah's eyes. We watch Derek holding onto Gracie with such tenderness, we see Connor in the pool encouraging Selah to swim, we see Breuklyn teaching, loving, and being such a caregiver to her sisters. These children are such blessings...they are all amazing, each one of them.

Have a wonderful night!
Love,
Gayle

Packing, packing, unpacking...trying to pack...

2009-03-10T14:53:00.001-07:00

Wow, do I ever have a lot of help!! I pack, Gracie unpacks, I place in suitcase, Gracie empties drawers...I shove remaining clothes in drawers realizing that in 3 years clothing may stay folded. For now, it just gets thrown on the floor, smushed somewhere, even found in the garbage can! I don't remember our other kids being such DISASTERS around the house. Did I forget? Am I just too old to keep up? Or were they perfect children??

I have no words to even describe the level of excitement in Selah's heart right now. She is blown away that she won't have to go to school, Dad won't have to work (how will we have any money, she asks), it's going to be HOT--yippee!--AND we get lots of snacks. Mainly she is thrilled that we are going to be with our whole family for 10 days! Our whole family!! Could it get any better than that?? We'll let you know...

We are driving to Florida--from Iowa--with five kids--one of them is two! Gracie had never been given the go-ahead to fly until last month. By then, we couldn't find a great deal on flights, so we are packing up the Suburban and going to enjoy some close quarters. If our family grows any more, we are going to need a BUS!

Well, my brief moment of quiet is over...Gracie is pounding on the locked door!

Better run...

Gayle

It's Official...I'm a blogger!

2009-03-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

OK...I decided this is going to work! I so love journey to me...really love it. It's fun to check out other adoption stories, it's fun to have them all at one place, and it's so simple to use! In China, I had no problem updating the site when Selah joined our family...I'm so grateful to have our adoption stories all written out.

This will possibly be the most boring blog ever--I love to write, but I am a computer IDIOT!! Seriously. This is a huge leap for me...and a challenge.

On to life...things are good, really good. Gracie continues to feel very well and is staying quite pink! What a little muffin! Along with good health comes a super dose of naughtiness. Although frustrating at times, she is hilarious. We find ourselves, as a family of seven, captivated by her antics. Sometimes we are all found just sitting on the couch laughing at her moves--she loves to dance and loves to sing...when she knows she has our attention, she plays it up even more.

And Selah...she continues to figure out life in a family. Her acquisition of language has been phenomenal! She talks a mile a minute...with about 90% accuracy! At times, we are in "silent" stitches over her as well. It's pretty fun to listen to what she comes up with. Her life experiences are so incredibly different than ours--things we've watched since we were toddlers, she has had no exposure to EVER. In the orphanage, she never picked out what she was going to wear, she had no choices as to what food, if any, was available. She didn't go to the park, she didn't go to the grocery store, she has never been fishing or walked through the woods...nothing. She was never read to or realized an outside world, leaving her with a very small vocabulary, a very small world to think from. Concepts such as aging...she's completely clueless. She still doesn't believe she was ever a baby, nor that I was. Time is irrelevant.

Breuklyn has been back to riding...finally! We have had so much snow and ice this winter, she hasn't had the opportunity to ride for quite sometime. It has been fun to have her back in the saddle. Each day after school, our sweet, sweet bus driver drops her off at the barn (usually with a snack) and Breuklyn spends the next couple of hours cleaning and playing. We took one of the stalls, cleaned it up and put in a floor, and turned it into a toy room for the little girls. It works out pretty well.

Connor finished his basketball season yesterday...he had a great year. His knees have been bothering him quite a bit, but seem to be doing better since the school practices ended. He is supposed to rest them...that means no track! Bummer. In a few weeks, I'm sure we'll be finding him daily at the golf course!

And Derek runs. He runs and runs and runs. He is loving track and traded his golf clubs for running shoes this year. Derek LOVED cross country this year and has decided to go out for track this spring instead of golf. It shocked us...seriously. He decided he can golf forever. I think it has been a good choice...I can't believe how much he's been running and how much he really loves it.

Our family is heading to Florida for some much needed sunshine on Thursday. I'm not sure our tropical girl will want to come home! :) We are going to have a lazy week of just warming up...it should be super fun.

I need to take more photos! I have none for the past couple of weeks...maybe I'll pull out the camera this afternoon! Until then...have a wonderful Sunday!
Gayle

what's up?

2009-03-07T19:19:00.000-08:00

I'm really trying to figure this out!

A blog, seriously??

2008-11-21T10:02:00.000-08:00

With the help from a friend, here we are with our very own blog!! How fun is that!! As I have loved documenting our family's adoption journeys on journeytome, our life is so much more than our adoptions. Since journaling for our two youngest children, I realize what a disservice I have done to our other kids by not taking the time to journal as I should've. Keeping everyone posted about Gracie's condition was definitely the reason for the journal...and I have loved it so much, selfishly for our own remembering that I thought this makes so much sense.

You may be bored to tears, but perhaps we can share life along the way...our home is just so normal, yet at times, we are experiencing chaos as we live life with teenagers, a baby, and a couple in the middle.