Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Living our fear...

AND IT'S OK! When adopting Selah, I was rather hesitant. I had read and read and read stories of adopting older institutionalized children. Fear of the unknown overtook my heart and my mind--in no way would I even consider adopting a child over the age of 5. But then came that list...

We prayed over each child on the list--I set the papers off to the side of the children in which I was certain we couldn't parent--off to the side went the file on He Fubai. A few of the children needed several surgeries--with Gracie's many hospital stays and level of care, we knew the timing wasn't right to bring home another child who would keep me away from home. Then there was He Fubai--pretty healthy, a sad face, and SEVEN years old. What if we brought home a child that would disrupt our already busy lives? What if the child was destructive, or worse--violent? Disrupt birth order? I had read that was not recommended, sometimes not allowed.
Yet Curtis. He would question my heart. He would question my motives. He would remind me that we didn't need another child, but a child needed us. "Which of these children won't be chosen?" he would ask. He Fubai would make it back into our pile.

Well, many of my greatest fears have come true. We are dealing with significant issues with Selah...some days are good, some are OK, some are horrific. We are living my fear.

And you know what?

It's OK!

Our marriage has never been stronger, our other children are doing beautifully, our family unit is tight, loving, and committed to one another. We are just fine.

The love I see my children pouring out for a child who doesn't love back...it's quite amazing to see. Our kids are learning to love IN SPITE OF the circumstances...to love because HE loves.

So...if you are considering adopting an older child and you are as freaked out as I was, know this...even if your worst fears come true, He will provide all you need...more than that, He will love through you and you will be OK!

I have started this post, deleted this post, rewrote this post, published this post, deleted this post...I never want anyone to think badly of Selah. She is a lovely little girl with a completely broken heart that can only be fixed by Jesus. We love her dearly and rejoice in every smile, every bit of progress, every hug. She is a treasure!!

Matthew 6:19-21 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and theives do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there will be your heart also.


Cristy said...

Thank you for posting candidly. My sister and her husband are considering an older child (12) and are completely "pie in the sky" oblivious to the issues that an older child may bring. I will copy this and let her know that although there are issues to press through, that God can be glorified through it like He has been with your family.

Anonymous said...

No one should think poorly of Selah, or any child who displays behaviors as the symptoms of an illness. It is not her fault. It is an illness she did not choose. And weather it heals or not, she will be so much better off with you than without you. And as parents, that is what we have to hold onto. Somedays, that is all we get.

A hug for you, my friend. And one for Selah too. :-)


Tina said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I originally read your post on journeytome. We are in the process of adopting a 7 year old boy and treasure any and all insight!!

Blessed Mom of Four, Now Five said...

You know, Gayle, I am living my fears in a whole different way.

With Ellie....I prayed that she wouldn't need to be cathed...and now she does. She has bladder and bowel issues, all of which I thought I couldn't handle.

But, God....................

God knew...I can...with Him.

And, You can...with Him.

And, I shall pray all the more fervently for you, dear sister,

Holly said...

Thank you for this post! I am glad you wrote it, even though you weren't sure you should post it. I am sure no one thinks poorly of your sweet Selah. We all understand that children are not meant to grow up in a nonfamily setting. And when it happens, there are bound to be consequences that only God can heal. I am reading carefully, because that is me right now...considering what God might have us to do next and thinking it might be older child adoption, and being TERRIFIED. It is so good to hear that your other chilren are doing so well, because that is my biggest fear. I think it would be such an easier decision if it were just hubby and me. So, I will continue to pray that God will make it clear to us, and I will continue to pray for you and your family!

Heather said...

I think that your post just overflows with the love you have for Miss Selah. Of course, she is in pain...of course, she has deep, deep wounds to heal. Who wouldn't...we are created to live in loving families, period. She has survived so much and that, to me, is the testamony to her inner strength. What you wrote is important for others to read and important because we are called to speak the TRUTH!

Many prayers and more hugs dear friend,
Heather (Maddie's Mama)